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DEAR JON LETTERS
The Michelangelo Code
Sort 257 solves the mystery of Jesus.

by Dear Jon
March 2, 2004

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Have you heard about the "Michelangelo Code?" According to it, Jesus was a white Scandanavian, who didn't die on a cross, but rode away on a "magical" sled drawn by reindeer and now delivers presents to all the good girls and boys on his birthday. The Eastern Orthodox Church tried to suppress this "truth" for years, but clues of this are in all of Michelangelo's works.

Signed,
Crazy Dave
 
Dear Dave,
 
You knew very well you were supposed to keep all of that a secret. I must now report you to the Grand Dragon of the Knights Pimpler, who will have you demoted to the fourth-order rank of “scallywag.”
 
If you are going to spread around the secrets of the Pimplers, you might as well get them right. It has been well-documented that Michelangelo was the Grand Dragon of the Pimplers. When it became clear that the Vatican was not going to pay him everything they owed for the Sistine Chapel, he worked the secrets of the Pimplers into the frescos as his way of getting even.
 
What he tells is the TRUE story, to which the Bible only gives hints. For example, as you all know, all Churches everywhere at all times have always taught that women are no better than dogs and their feet should be planted in cement pots next to the kitchen stove. This all goes back to the big lie in the Book of Genesis, in which Eve is said to eat of the fruit and sin first, before Adam. The TRUTH is, the original inhabitants in the Garden of Eden were not Adam and Eve, but Adam and STEVE.
 
We interpret the Sistine Chapel the way the Church wants us too, not the way the pictures were intended. Where you see God and Adam extending their fingers toward each other, that interpretation is all backwards. The person with the white hair and beard is actually not God, but Adam, and the naked man reclining effeminately is not Adam, but Steve! The original sin, in the Garden of Eden, is that Steve had challenged Adam to “pull my finger.”
 
Look at the picture!  See it for yourself! Note the cloud-like vapors that surround these men!
 
Thus, God had originally created Adam and Steve, and sexual relations between men is therefore woven into the intended fabric of the universe.  However, these two men were not having sex like they were supposed too.  Instead they were converting barley hops into fermented beverages, cooking beans, and having finger-pulling contests.
 
So God had to create Eve in order to remind these clueless, hairless apes that really and truly, everything in the whole universe is all about sex. But the CHURCH does not want us to know that! The CHURCH wants us all to wear chastity belts with iron locks!
 
In order to maintain its version, the CHURCH had to suppress the true history of Jesus. That true history appears in the Da Vinci painting “The Last Supper,” in which it is very clear that the Apostle John is also Mary Magdalene.
 
Read carefully: Dan Brown of The Da Vinci Code, and the Knights Templar, are all wrong. It is not Mary Magdalene INSTEAD of John! No! John, “the apostle whom Jesus loved,” was a Drag Queen, and Mary Magdalene was his alter-ego, his female identity!
 
Because he hung around with the transgendered, Jesus was considered dangerous to society, so he was nailed to a cross by homophobic Romans. In the process Jesus achieved “enlightenment,” a new state of consciousness that occurred with the completion of the Ascent of Pisces in the Zodiac, an event corresponding to the three hours of darkness. Under the cover of this darkness, John, disguised as a woman, along with some others who were at the cross, pulled Jesus down. They dressed his wounds, and then smuggled him on board a ship to Briton in the luggage of Joseph of Arimathea.
 
His enlightenment brought Jesus to an angelic state of being. When they landed in Briton, Joseph created a diversion, allowing Jesus to cut loose a life-boat and row to the Hebrides north of Scotland, and from there to the North Pole, where he began his new life of semi-divinity as Father Christmas.
 
Now, everyone back in Palestine knew that this was true. But along came one very evil, sick, insane liar, named Paul of Tarsus. He actually went around Turkey and Greece telling people that God wanted to change people’s hearts and had created a natural order that people had rebelled against to their own detriment. He was able to persuade Simon Peter to give in to his homophobic sentiments, since, privately, his fishing partner John had always made him sick to his stomach with his cross-dressing act.
 
So Peter and Paul joined forces to suppress the truth about Jesus, and insisted that instead of being pulled off the cross alive and living at the edge of the world (they did not know what a “north pole” was in those days) as Father Christmas, Jesus had in fact risen from the dead, thus proving that only Jesus is Lord. This was a problem for them, since the Roman Caesar, in fact, wanted to be “Lord,” and used that title as a test of people’s loyalty. So, Peter and Paul went on to be executed for teaching their hoax that Jesus proved he is Lord by rising from the dead, because, as you know, people will willingly be crucified upside own in order to tout what they know to be a hoax and a lie that had brought them nothing but threats, beatings and imprisonments all life-long. You would sacrifice your comfort, your body, and your life to tell a lie, too, right?
 
Until 450, two versions of the Jesus story were common; the truth, that Jesus lived on the North Pole in a state of enlightened semi-divinity thanks to the Ascension of Pisces, and the lie, that Jesus Christ had risen from the dead, ascended into heaven, and sent the Holy Spirit upon the believers to establish the Church and bring the good news of eternal life to all the corners of the globe.
 
The Eastern Orthodox Church made sure that its version of history and the Bible was all settled at the Council of Chalcedon in 450 (or somewhere around then. As you recall, I don’t look anything up!) Anyway, until the year 450, absolutely everyone told the story of Adam and Steve, and Jesus and Mary-John Magdala the Son of Zebedee. Only church bishops, who wanted to enforce their anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-sex, pro-hate, pro-bigotry, pro-Bush religious conservative marriage amendment agenda, taught the version of Paul and Peter.
 
So at the Council of Chalcedon, the Church cut out those bits from the Bible, made sure that references to Mary Magdalene were separated from references to John, and replaced the Pisces Angel named Father Christmas, originally Jesus of Nazareth, with their own hero, a bishop from Asia Minor who had gotten into a fist-fight one hundred thirty years earlier at the Council of Nicea, St. Nicolas of Myra, Santa Claus.
 
In your quest to find the true Santa Claus, you can accept the lies told by the Eastern Orthodox about Saint Nicolas, or, you can study the art of Michelangelo for clues to the truth. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he is the Angel of Pisces, the Gay Jesus! 


About the Author:
This might be the most tasteless thing that Dear Jon ever wrote, but it is not the most tasteless thing Dear Jon has ever read.


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