THE BULL AND THE BIZARRE
My conversation with Senator Kerry.
by Richard 'Mr. Moo' Moore
March 21, 2004
Hello? Is Sen. Kerry in? Yes, Mr. Moo from the Partial Observer calling. He is?, yes, I’ll hold.
Sen. Kerry? Mr. Moo here. Yes, as in addressing the Bull from the Heartland. You’ve read the column? Thanks. Senator, we met in Iowa during the Hawkeye Caucii. Oh, that is very kind of you. Yes … so Bob it is.
Bob, I wanted to talk to you today about the Veepstakes. I know everyone is speculating about your running mate and all you want to do is take a little break. Don’t blame you. I wanted to help you so you could get to that well needed rest. After all, the campaign is coming soon and going to be tough.
Let’s be honest and talk names. Many times nominees go to their competitors in the primaries so let’s look at them.
Richard Gephardt (D-MO). OK, Dick. Dick’s a nice guy but hey this guy has been campaigning in Iowa since 1988 and barely broke the “threshold” of 15% on caucus night. No.
Howard Dean (D-VT). He will be long remembered for the “I Have a Scream” speech on caucus night but he imploded before January 19. You can’t get or keep credibility by interrupting a fellow Iowan so rudely or compare yourself to Job (BTW, it’s in the Old Testament). Good record in Vermont but what’s a couple hundred thousand folks? I know it sounds tough but it’s what some will say. Anyway. He did mobilize a ton of kids for the party. That’s a plus. Geographic balance? Hardly. Two New England liberals in the White House? The country would need an interpreter for the dialect AND the policies. Sorry, but Howard’s a no.
John Edwards (D-NC). You know John, I like Edwards. Positive. “2 America” thing was catchy. Will he help you carry the South, or any southern state? He did have lunch with his big contributors and you which was a great move. Geographic balance, yes. Political balance, as much as you can have in the Democratic Party, yes. Not a bad choice. Put him on the short list.
How about the little Chihuahua on your heels, Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)? He is always trying to bring you back to the left. Gee, imagine going further left? Bob, stop laughing. But that left thing, wasn’t he the one Ralph Nader said was his favorite? And about the pictures of the two of you together. Your waist and Kucinich’s hair. Hmmm. Nah.
Maybe we should go outside the primary opponents.
Bill Richardson (D-NM). I keep hearing his name. Pundits say a Hispanic would be a good move. But, Bob, let’s be honest, the name Richardson doesn’t sound too Hispanic. If it were Bill Gonzales, maybe. And the qualifications are Clinton cabinet member and governor of New Mexico. Hey, that’s worth a ton of votes in the general populous. NOT. Skip him.
Ever think about Bill Bradley (D-NJ)? I like the guy. And he is as tall as you are so it doesn’t look like the Mutt and Jeff show when you appear together. You get the support of the NBA and how many democrats from 2000? Maybe not.
We need the shock value. Black, woman, hey what about a black woman? OPRAH! She wouldn’t take the pay cut. And no Vice President has ever got those ratings.
Sorry, Bob. This whole thing is getting to me.
But African American is not a bad idea. Someone who has been with you from the start. I got it. Congressman Harold Ford of Tennessee. I like the guy. He’s articulate. He is well thought of in the party. Gracious when he defeated for minority leader. Made the news talk show circuit on your behalf. Short list, Bob? Good, I thought so too.
There is one other person I was thinking of Bob. It’s someone you might not have thought of yet. He mentioned you in 2000 to be Al Gore’s running mate. He was quoted as saying, “Sen. Kerry has proved his service to our nation, and his ability as an accomplished debater and a person who knows the issues.” Then this colleague went on to say, “… the best Americans from both parties should be their nominees of their parties, so the American people would have the very best to select from, and I would certainly put Sen. Kerry in that category.” Wow, that sounds like an endorsement to me. He has been on the front page of the Washington Post and the New York Times saying nice things about you this past week. He has beaten W before (not many can say that), good campaigner, and shares the Vietnam vet thingy with you. Getting the picture? Yes, Bob, I can hear that glimmer of hope, that sparkle in your voice. You’re right. John McCain! Wow, talk about a Dream Team in the year of the Olympics. Bob, this would be a grand slam homerun in the bottom of the ninth. This would be the 3-pointer in quadruple overtime in the NCAA Final Four. This would be …. Ok, sorry, I’m getting too giddy.
KERRY-MCCAIN. This’ll make a great ticket. And with the blurring on the party lines towards the middle, a crossover ticket is bound to happen soon.
Sure, Bob, I understand, another call. Chat soon. Hey to Teresa. Love the ketchup. Bye.
Kerry – McCain. Great idea, Moo.
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