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DEAR JON LETTERS
There's No Place Like Where You Are
Sort 273 on travelling abroad and other things.

by Dear Jon
August 17, 2004

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Do you have any new words of wisdon that you learned while on vacation?

Stuck at Home

Dear Stuck,

I learned that people who have to pay at public toilets are not truly free.

I learned that the every day European is not as uniformly anti-Bush or anti-Iraq war as my liberal friends insist.

I learned that I was born under a wanderin’ star, and that migration is the natural condition of the human being.

I learned that home is not where the dead live; home is where the living live.

I learned that a week dollar hurts a travel budget.

I had the good sense to be ashamed that I am mono-lingual. Americans should realize that speaking one language and only one is supremely arrogant and is not generous of us, even in our own borders.

I learned that fire alarms in American airports are supremely ignored, even in the post 9/11 world. 

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What will replace DVDs?

Looking for the Next Big Thing

Dear Thing,

I don’t know what the next thing will be, but I can tell you where we are headed. Eventually we will wear helmets with visors. These helmets will be have remote connections to satellites. On voice command we will be able to download anything we want, when we want, all the time, each one living in our own world. We will also be able to call each other up, of course, based on the network’s database of identity numbers, all of which will be based on DNA sequencing.

I will become obvious that to log out of the constant information stream puts a person at a economic disadvantage. So new innovations will allow us to receive all our nutrition through vitamin supplements injected through the wrist.

Since the helmets won’t work well in showers, we will become more and more isolated as our bodies will smell. But that is not a problem. Romantic trysts and such encounters will take place on-line, in the much preferred situations that fantasy can provide.

Eventually all of us will be plugged into this network, sharing information all the time, with no real need for a life of our own. I hope to form a corporation to corner the market on these satellite helmets, with an IPO of $100/share. I will name this corporation Broadcast Origins. BORG for short.

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I am a writer, trying to come up with the next big sitcom. What do you think I should make it about?

Sincerely
Blocked Writer

Dear Ed,

Spin something off of the Mel Gibson/Helen Hunt movie “What Women Want.” Make a show about an advertising agency. It could feature fake commercials, fake products, and get in to the minds of people who are in the business of fanning the flames of greed, gluttony and envy. In fact, the name of the show can be “Deadly Sins.”

Hey, don’t steal my idea. It’s pretty good and I think I’m going to keep it. I’ll need something to help me launch my BORG network, after all.




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