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Translations from Candidate Bush
What Barnabas heard in Bush's acceptance speech.

by Barnabas
September 8, 2004

What Candidate Bush said looks like this. 
What Barnabas heard looks like this.  

"Nothing will hold us back."
I really liked that  recurring line in Star Trek, when the lady Borg says "Resistance is futile." [Resistance was futile — until Data counterattacked and destroyed it. Naturally he said, while the Borg could still hear him, "Resistance is futile." — Barnabas.]

"We will build a safer world and a more hopeful America." 
Like my Dad’s "thousand points of light."

"My father served eight years at the side of another great American, Ronald Reagan."  And was smart enough to keep his mouth shut for eight years.

"[Reagan’s] spirit of optimism and good will and decency are in this hall and are in our  hearts and will always define our party."
Reagan is dead, so he cannot give his opinion on what we have done to the Republicans Party.

"Two months from today, voters will make a choice based on the records we have built." 
As we report them to you, of course.

"The convictions we hold"  
The slogans we speak.

"The vision that guides us forward"
Re-election, re-election, re-election.

"... we passed the most important federal education reform in history." 
We’re forcing property taxes in states and districts to  pay for it.

"Soon every senior will be able to get prescription drug coverage."
If we can sucker them into buying it.

"I believe in the energy and innovative spirit of America's workers, entrepreneurs, farmers and ranchers, so we unleashed that energy with the largest tax relief in a generation." 
And kept the minimum wage below the poverty level.

"Because we acted, our economy is growing again and creating jobs." 
At least this month.

"If America shows uncertainty or weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy."
Like in my first year.  

"This will not happen on my watch."
I control all the factors of history and nature. Hurricane Frances was a fluke, as was Abu Ghraib.

"I am running with a compassionate conservative philosophy: that government should help people improve their lives, not try to run their lives."  
As in the Patriot Act! As in the way we improved the lives of the Americans we held in custody for over a year without benefit of counsel!

"Our nation's founding commitment is still our deepest commitment: In our world, and here at home, we will extend the frontiers of freedom."
Wherever my neo-con buddies Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz tell me to go.

"... my plan will encourage investment and expansion by restraining federal spending, reducing regulation and making the tax relief permanent."
I plan to borrow a lot more money in the next four years for the Democrats to pay off later. I suspect they will hold the White House indefinitely after I am through with the country.

"Frivolous lawsuits." 
So the surgeon took your spleen instead of your appendix. Whine, whine, whine.

"I will lead a bipartisan effort to reform and simplify the federal tax code."
If the lobbyists will let me. (If the voters buy this one, I’m in.)

I will ensure every poor county in America has a community or rural health center." 
If we can find enough English–speaking doctors and nurses willing to staff them, and our favorite HMO’s can make enough money off them.

"... we will make sure that health decisions are made by doctors and patients."
By insurance companies and HMO’s.

"Comp-time and flex-time."
You may have to get money from Grandpa to buy shoes for the kids, but you will have more time to play with them. Unless for some reason you have to take a second job.

"Family-friendly workplace."
Unemcumbered by such nuisances as health and safety regulations..

"Affordable homes." 
Priced at under $20,000, so people getting the part-time, low-pay jobs we’re creating can buy them.

"We are transforming our schools by raising standards and focusing on results. We are insisting on accountability, empowering parents and teachers, and making  sure that local people are in charge of their schools." 
Except for writing the tests and setting the standards, they're in charge.  

"Fortunately, we had a resolute president named Truman who, with the American people, persevered, knowing that a new democracy at the center of Europe would lead to stability and peace." 
I don’t have to say that Truman was a Democrat, do I?

About the Author:
Barnabas thinks that Candidate Bush's speech was absurd but not at all funny.

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