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SATIRE
God Undecided for 2004 Election
Candidates seek Almighty endorsement before November.

by Essie McShepherd
September 17, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. (PO) – With just a few months away from the 2004 Presidential Election, God remains undecided who He will vote for, Senator Kerry or incumbent George W. Bush.
 
“Each has their strengths and weaknesses,” God said, “and while Bush purports to be a Christian and in contact with me, really I hear from them about the same. I heard a lot from Kerry during his years in Vietnam, but after he got home, not so much.”
 
“Kerry’s pro-abortion, and I’m not big on that, but then Bush supports the death penalty, and that sort of steps on my whole forgiveness policy.”
 
When asked about Bush’s job on the war in Iraq and the war on terror, God replied, “If I had a dime everyone went on a ‘just war’ in my name, well let’s just say Solomon had nothing on that. But let’s remember that Senator Kerry also approved of that war initially.”
 
“I guess Kerry’s better environmentally, and it’s important someone keeps my creation up, but really, it’s still kind of a toss up. And the whole gay rights stuff, that’s really not what I intended sex for.”
 
“Their plans to battle poverty, they both sound good and all, but when’s the last time you saw some homeless people staying at the White House?”
 
When asked about Rev. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson’s claim that God prefers George Bush, God replied, “Okay, I don’t know where they got that, but I haven’t said anything to them about this!”
 
Meanwhile both candidates are seeking full-endorsement from the Almighty. Bush and his campaigners are strongly courting God, whereas the Kerry camp is looking for His approval, yet are leery of how such an endorsement would effect the atheist and agnostic votes.
 
In response to the idea of endorsing a third-party candidate God responded with a laugh, “Look, I’m a miracle worker and all; I created the heavens and earth in six days, but come on now! I’m not throwing my endorsement away!”
 
Voting officials point out that while God can endorse whomever He chooses, he cannot legally vote, as living “in the hearts of all who believe in Me, and in every living thing” does not qualify as a legitimate U.S. voting address.


About the Author:
Essie McShepherd would like to point out that this is a HUMOR column, and intended to be funny, not political or sacreligious.


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