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DEAR JON LETTERS
Time for a Sissy Quiz
Find out if your eating and diet habits shape you up as a real guy.

by Dear Jon
September 21, 2004

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

My girlfriend can drink me under the table. Does this make me a sissy?

Lite beer drinker
 
Dear Sissy,
 
Yes.
 
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

When is a salad manly enough to eat?

Macho Man
 
Dear Sissy,
 
If your girl-friend can drink you under the table, you might as well eat salad.
 
Dear Reader,
 
These two letters demonstrate that it is time for another Dear Jon self-assessment quiz. To determine whether you are macho or a sissy, answer true or false, or multiple choice, as indicated.
 
1. When is it ever appropriate to eat salad?
a) As a main course for either lunch or dinner.
b) As an afternoon snack.
c) As an alternative or replacement to either soup or breadsticks.
d) As a course in a meal in which real food is coming later.
 
2. The following are appropriate ingredients in an iceberg lettuce salad:
a) Grilled chicken with Italian dressing, but only if it’s a main course.
b) Spinach leaves with a garnish of Mandarin orange and a vinaigrette dressing.
c) Nothing. Just plain.
d) Bacon bits, cheese, hard-boiled eggs, croutons, ranch dressing, (with the real food coming later).
 
3. The function of lite beer is:
a) Weight loss.
b) Reduced carbs.
c) Improved health.
d) To establish instant rapport with women in bars.
 
4. The function of low-carb dieting is:
a) To spend money on the latest fad.
b) To cause Coca-Cola® to experiment with its formula again.
c) To make everyone cranky and drowsy by wiping out the body’s blood sugar.
d) All of the above.
 
5. The reason men get overweight is:
a) Too much televised sports.
b) Too many greasy fatty foods
c) A culture that praises televised sports and fatty foods as “macho” things to do, while caring about one’s own body is seen as effeminate.
d) The scale is broken and these clothes keep shrinking, I can’t understand it….
 
6. Women dig guys with big thighs and spare tires hanging over the belt because:
a) In America that’s what they have to choose from.
b) They can cheat on their diets and blame their boyfriends for peer pressure.
c) They have discovered that too many physically fit guys are gay.
d) All of the above.
 
7. True or false: Meat is good.
 
8. Meat is why males evolved as “hunters.”
 
9. We know that God intended us to eat animals, which is why He made them meat.
 
10. A woman who wants her man to shed a few pounds can help out by:
a) Daily reminders.
b) Participating with him in a work-out, and correcting his sit-up technique.
c) Buying fat-free food and generally adopting a flavorless lifestyle.
d) Gosh darn it honey, it’s not my fault you’re such a great cook.
 
Each of these questions has exactly one right answer. All are “d” and “true.” If you answered anything else at all, you are a sissy.


About the Author:
Dear Jon is currently on a diet.


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