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SATIRE
Continental Shift Makes Northern Ireland Free at Last!
Troubled territory adrift in the Atlantic!

by Essie McShepherd
March 14, 2001

Continental Shift Makes Northern Ireland Free at Last!_Essie McShepherd-Troubled territory adrift in the Atlantic! Belfast, Ireland (PO) – In an event that can only be described as “the hand of God,” the United Kingdom providence of Northern Ireland has broken away from the rest of the isle and is drifting away in the Atlantic Ocean. British officials suspect IRA involvement, but spokesman for the IRA, Sean O’Leary stated, “ How could we move an entire piece of land?” Factions of the IRA however are claiming to have thought of the idea first, and are claiming victory.

Scientists are baffled at the sudden separation of the landmass and it’s subsequent drift farther out in the Atlantic. Experts have clocked the drift at a speed of 40 knots, and the land shows no signs of slowing.

“It’s as if the land suddenly had enough and decided to separate itself from both Ireland and Britain.” Dr. Johanes Green said. Green went on to liken the floating land to a “giant houseboat” hundreds of miles long.

Prime Minister Tony Blair was non-pulsed by the land’s bold actions and said this does not necessarily make Northern Ireland free of British rule. “We will not allow a territory to cede from us, even if it is currently sailing away from us. There is no history of allowing independence for countries that up and run away from us, and it isn’t going to begin now.”

Members of both the Ulster party and the Sinn Fein where heard to have said, “My God, our entire country is at sea! Help us,” citing probably the first time both parties agreed whole-heartedly on the state of their nation. Efforts to pull Northern Ireland back to its proper place have been stalled, as British officials are arguing with Irish officials as to who has the right to save the drifting country. A plea has been sent to U.S. President George W. Bush to help in the matter, but he has reminded both countries that the plight of Northern Ireland is not a priority of his, and he needs to focus his energy on whipping Vice-President Cheney into shape.

About the Author:
Essie McShepherd is a foreign correspondent for the Partial Observer.


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