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Dear Jon Prepares for 2005
With duct tape and Petroleum Savings Accounts.

by Dear Jon
December 28, 2004

Dear Readers,

2004 is passing, and 2005 is on its way. With the kind of year we have had, the best advice, on the surface, might be to give up on the world and start on the Bio-terror Shelter Annex to your basement. But with Tom Ridge resigning, who can we turn to for wisdom in these frightening times? Should we follow Donald Rumsfeld's suggestion, and continue to declare war on foreign civilizations with "the army we have"?

1. My first prediction is that these and many other questions will not be answered in the year 2005. Among other problems no one will bother to solve:

2. An unfunded entitlement bill for prescriptions for seniors. We have no idea how we will pay for this, but that is okay, because we also have no idea:

3. Of how we will continue paying out social security benefits after approximately 15  more years.

4. With these economic crises pinching the purses of Congress's Neoconservative Majority (Motto: Reckless liberal spending combined with all the ethnophobic paranoia of free-basing Nazis, now YOURS for the next 2 years!) if anyone in Congress, anyone at all, points out the impossibilities and absurdities of No Child Left Behind in 2005, I, Dear Jon, promise to eat my socks.

5. Free elections in Iraq will occur. Approximately two seconds after the polls open, rival Islamicist factions will appear on Al Jazeera declaring the elections fraudulent.

6. The Palestinian Authority will continue to be a cesspool of chaos and dysfunction, for which Israel and the United States and Jews internationally will continue to be blamed.

7. In other words, the Middle East will continue in its current state, much as it has for about 80 years.

8. Evangelical Christians will continue to be defensive about President Bush, except Evangelicals for Social Action, a tiny group that receives no press, who will continue to burn President Bush in effigy.

9. As the nation tanks, liberals will become more and more smug. They can afford to be smug. Literally, they can AFFORD to be smug. Who are we talking about anyway? The Kennedy's and Kerry's. 

10. Democrats are going to start remembering the formula that Americans only elect the filthy rich if they speak with a drawl. Not that any of that will matter in 2005. It's all just buzz in the first year of the four-year cycle.

Wow. These predictions are all really sour and dour. Maybe I should lighten up a little. So here is the other side of the coin, my optimism for 2005.

1. I really believe that this year, the best team in the NFL will win the Super Bowl. (It doesn't always happen.)

2. Parents will continue to nurture their children, who will continue to surprise us with their intuitions, abilities, and sophistication.

3. The European Community will continue to demonstrate to the world what can happen when ancient enemies begin to cooperate.

4. The vast majority of Muslims, Jews, and Christians of every denomination, along with secularists and humanists, philosphers and educators and most politicans, will continue to desire and strive for peace on earth and good will towards everyone.

5. Since these efforts, the "good news," are a lot more mundane and not all that thrilling, much will go unreported and ignored by history, which is really the only reason the optimistic predictions are half as long as the pessimistic.

In other words, Dear Reader, a wise Palestinian Jew once said, "the wheat and the weeds will grow abundant at the same time." That means that, in 2005, a lot of bad will happen, and a lot of good will happen. Of course, that man was nailed to a tree by people who did not care for his philosphy, but then again, lots of people believe he rose from the dead. That means there is a lot of truth to the saying about wheat and weeds, so it is in your heart to discover the truth in the well wishes of others who say, "Happy New Year."

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