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DEAR JON LETTERS
Want a New Job?
A mixed mail bag about how to do laundry and what's on television.

by Dear Jon
April 26, 2005

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

How can I view the four "Want a new Job?" commercials. They were some of the best I've seen. I've searched the web to no avail. Any ideas? Thanks,

dan
 
Dear Dan,
 
I recommend that you contact your college friend from New England to make you a bootleg copy of his video recording of the Super Bowl. Then you can watch them to your heart's content. I know that New Englanders taped the Super Bowl, because I taped Super Bowl 31 and I will cherish it always. Of course, New Englanders will have destroyed their tapes of Super Bowl 31, just like I destroyed my tape of Super Bowl 32. Anyway, if you don't know anyone from New England, you need to get more friends. Everybody has to know somebody from New England.
 
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,
 
Is it just me, or are those Burger King commercials [with the giant, plastic headed Burger King stalking people with sandwiches] the most disturbing thing on television today?

Sincerely,

Just Curious
 
Dear Curious,
 
It's just you. The most disturbing thing on television, now circulating through cable replay channels, is Dennis Franz's butt.
 
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I recently bought two packages of white "crew" socks and was perplexed upon seeing that both packages, of different brands, touted that they were resealable with a zip-lock feature. There was no explanation as to why we should want to reseal these bags. Is there something I should know? Am I supposed to stuff my socks back in there after doing the laundry for optimal freshness? Please enlighten me.

Sincerely,
Sock Puppet
 
Dear Sock,
 
You have missed the point completely. The zip-lock bag must have been the brainstorm of a woman in the marketing department, because no male would ever have gotten the concept, and you, by asking the question you did, have proven you are a man.
 
You seal your socks in the bag after you wear them and before you wash them. If you still don't get the clue, let me be more specific:  The duffel bag you take back and forth to the gym, frankly, does not do the job you think it is doing, which is, keeping the stench of your athletic socks trapped inside.
 
Do NOT seal washed socks in a zip-lock bag. The reason you must not, is because you, who are a man, will seal socks before they are thoroughly dry. That is a big no-no.
 
In fact, look, I know you're trying to be helpful and sensitive and everything so that women don't assume you are taking them for granted or being a chauvinist pig or anything, but trust me, pretty soon any one of your wife (girl-friend), sister or mother is going to offer to do your laundry, if they have not already. You think it is because they love you, but actually, they are afraid that otherwise you will embarrass them. You're clueless. Just get out of the way. Go and tinker in the garage. And change your socks.
 
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With Cookie Monster now becoming PC, making cookies now a "sometimes food," should parents still let their chidren watch Sesame Street?

Sincerely,
Not Like When I Was a Kid
 
Dear Kid,
 
In a previous sort I ragged on Sesame Street. I now take this opportunity to rag on them again. Things got bad when David and Maria stopped going together and no one told us why. Then Sesame Street "jumped the shark" when Mr. Hooper died. He was the soul of the show. If you don't know what "jumped the shark" means, try an internet search. Anyway, the addition of Telly, and then Elmo, and then Mrs. The Grouch, and Mr. Snuffleupagus becoming real to the grown-ups, put it on a trajectory from the best to the worst in television. Now it is just a thoroughly sick show that has outlived its usefulness by twenty years. As a new parent, I am boycotting Sesame Street.
 
My kids are going to learn that the vampire lurking in the closet really only wants to help them learn to count themselves to sleep, and that Harry Monsters like to play with dollies, and that Cookie-monsters have to learn to share just like everyone else, and that every goofy, hyper-active extrovert like Ernie finds an entertaining foil in the sober, focused, introverted demeanor of a Bert. My children will learn that Bert's life is dull without a best friend in Ernie, and that Ernie is shallow and directionless without the enriching wisdom of Bert. But unless I have the videos from the 1970's, I will have to make do with oral tradition, because my kids are not going to watch the junk being churned out now.
 
The problem is, that Sesame Street got off the track of teaching kids how to enjoy childhood with "i-ma-gi-na-tion" and got onto the track of substitute parenting. So because you are spoiling your brats into fatness by using candy as a short-cut to love just to keep them quiet, now it takes a muppet to tell them not to eat cookies all the time? Give me a break! The Children's Television Workshop needs to go back to the drawing board.



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