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Counting Down to No More
Sort 321 and the absolute last word about sex and women and men.

by Dear Jon
November 1, 2005


Dear Jon,

After reading your speculations about women in the sex industry, I wonder what you think about the men who work this same trade.

Dear Burns,
To begin with, I need to clarify something for all my readers of the previous 320 sorts of Dear Jon letters. Just because I don't have time to look anything up and therefore I cannot quote my sources, does not mean that my writing is speculation. Were others to take the time, they would discover the factual basis of those things which I declare. You can be skeptical of the things I write, but skepticism is only the same as wallowing in ignorance until you investigate the claims for yourself.
As to the substance of the question, I should not be surprised. Gender-specific discussions are easily confused by the claim that men and women experience the same things in life in the same way. And so I got a letter about men competing in women's golf, since, after all, a woman had been permitted to compete in a men's league.
I could resort to the platitude of our culture adopted from a best-selling book whose I author I do not have the time to look up: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." In any case, the experiences of women are characteristically and quantitatively different from the experiences of men in terms of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual exploitation. Yes, many men have been victims of all of these, and tragically, so often in childhood. Even so, most often the perpetrators of sexual victimization of males, have been other males. That is not speculation, either. When women are discovered in situations of exploiting men or boys, the news is so rare and sensational it receives national coverage.
I do not know the global scale of the exploitation of boys for the sex industry. Beyond a doubt, such trafficking happens, and it is a tragic experience. I also know that, beyond a doubt, men are far more likely to be initiating their own consent for working in pornographic movies, if you get my drift.

Dear Jon,
I am looking for love in all the wrong places. I seem to deal with a lot of losers. In my past I have dealt with a lot of controlling men or weak willed men or mammas boys. My luck also has been I think I found the one and later in the relationship he is not the one for me. I am looking for a guy who makes me laugh, who shares similar interests and who is strong physical and emotionally. I want trust, love, honor and communication. I want to settle down with a nice home and have at least two kids. Is this a pipe dream?
Sincerely, Cinderella

Dear Cinders,
No, that is not a pipe dream. What you describe here happens to billions of people all over the world, and in the USA, half of them even stay married. Here are some tips to finding your dream man.
First, if you are looking for love in the wrong places, start looking in the right ones. 
Some examples for a self-test: A bar that hangs a Confederate Battle Flag out its window and features nightly visits by the police to break up fights is the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
A large evangelical church that has over three hundred people in their 20s-30s in the "Singles Ministry" is the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
The internet is the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
College classes geared toward adults is the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
"Letters to Inmates" programs are the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
Political conventions of your party of choice are the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
Addict Recovery Meetings are the: 
     Wrong Place            Right Place
Once you have selected your Right Place, you should engage in some behavior modification. For example, one great way to begin is to decide that you are not having sex with anyone unless it is "Mr. Right" and only when he proves he is "Mr. Right" by becoming your husband first.
I know, I know. It sounds almost religious. On the other hand, why should you be the one who keeps feeling used by losers all the time? You are worth more than what those jerks want to get on the cheap.

Dear Reader,
What Cinderella did not know is that hers is the last Actual Letter Dear Jon will answer. I am retiring my column. I figure that a letter from an actual woman asking for real advice means that I have reached the pinnacle of my ambitions, and I had always planned to retire on top. Besides, there is something poetic about Sort 3-2-1-... Get it?
So, as a bonus, this final column is extra long, as Dear Jon dishes out some parting shots.
If you want to experience the best you can from life, take my advice:
  1. Eat your daily vegetables. But also have something sweet every day.
  2. The beer isn't going to drink itself.
  3. Not all pain can be alleviated. Some pain must be endured.
  4. There is no value in getting sick over anything. Stay home from work or school if you know you are coming down with something. Give your body back the strength it needs. Martyrs who come to work when they are miserable only risk spreading the entire environment with their infection.
  5. That's the way it is with martyrs. They are so keen on everyone thinking highly of them and their sacrifices, they are blind to the truth that they make things worse.
  6. It is amazing just how little in our world really does depend on you, so you might as well enjoy contributing what you can.
  7. That almost always boils down to having an attitude of helpfulness. Period.
  8. And those who do depend on you more than others, a spouse or a child, should be able to count on you. Otherwise, what's the point? Who are you sweating it out for if not for the ones you love and who love you?
  9. Remember that the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that time and chance happen to all of us—still, the race is usually to the swift and the battle usually to the strong.
  10. Good luck comes to those who prepare themselves. That is one of the great paradoxes in life; what appears to be luck has little to do with luck at all. Those in the right place at the right time are usually at that place at that time because they are behaving in a responsible manner in the governance of their own lives. Bad "luck", on the other hand, tends to fall on people who get out of bed late or don't get out of bed at all. 
  11. Still, time and chance do happen. Take comfort that in America, no President is forever. Four and even eight years is not all that long.
  12. There are very few good reasons in life to be bitter about one's own or another person's luck. In fact, bitterness is one of the great time-wasting, energy-draining distractions in life. It is better to live without it.
  13. Also, try to keep in mind this basic fact of life: God made Men and Women to equally represent facets of the Divine Image, and without each other Men and Women are incomplete in their knowledge of life and God.
  14. Do not assume that persons of the opposite sex will understand you. Once you are clear of that assumption, you will function with a lot less frustration.
Top ten differences between men and women.
If you agree with the following ten statements, chances are 98% that you are male.
  1. Sex is fun.                                
  2. Sports are essential to a well-rounded life.
  3. Chores are work.
  4. A job is an identity.
  5. The family is an escape from the stress of the job.
  6. Kids are even more fun than toys or pets.
  7. Doughnuts and pizza never killed anybody.
  8. Sometimes the chore can wait but the nap cannot.
  9. All these extra pairs of shoes are silly.
  10. Women are mysterious with their tidal-shifts in emotions.
If you agree with the following statements, chances are 98% that you are female.
  1. Chores are fun.
  2. A wide selection of shoes is essential to a well-rounded life.
  3. Sex is work.
  4. A family is an identity.
  5. A job is an escape from the stress of the family.
  6. Kids are even more mess than toys or pets.
  7. Steamed asparagus on rice never killed anybody either.
  8. How can you sleep all day when the house is a wreck?
  9. Sports are silly.
  10. Men are aggravating, expressing all the sentiments of a brick.
If you agree with the following ten statements, chances are 85% that you agree with Dear Jon about almost nothing and if you ever did read me, you stopped after two articles.
  1. Sex is my entitlement.
  2. Shoes are divine.
  3. Don't bother trying to help unless you get it absolutely perfect.
  4. A family is my entitlement.
  5. A job is a place to meet people.
  6. Kids are my entitlement.
  7. Just as long as we're not talking about eating animals, I can do lunch.
  8. Please, just go to sleep and get out of my way.
  9. Athletic uniforms have a certain appeal, but who invented "cleats" anyway? Mr. Stompomania? They're ugly and a terror on grass.
  10. Feelings are my entitlement.

So, since all these people are so different from each other, how can we expect to get along? As my answer, I offer my final list of unsolicited proverbs.

  • Laugh at yourself at least twice as much as you laugh at all others in the world put together. Be sure you laugh twice as much as you cry.
  • Listen twice as much as you talk.
  • Forgive twice as much as you need forgiving.
  • Forgive in half the time it takes others to ask you for forgiveness.
  • Forgive those who might never realize that they need forgiving.
  • Forgive, especially, those who will always disagree with you that they need forgiving.
Do not ask for forgiveness just because another person has taken offense with you. Sometimes people take offense for their own reasons, and not because you have erred in some way. To make appeasement by asking for forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong only confuses everything and everyone. Most people resent being told "I'm sorry you feel that way" because it is not a true petition for forgiveness. It is best not to say anything.
In other words, and to sum up my five years as Dear Jon: Life dishes, and sometimes people just need to cope.
Don't like it? I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry I said it and I'm not sorry that it's true.

[Editor's Note: The Editor would like to publicly thank Dear Jon for his excellent contributions to the Partial Observer over the past five years. The internet's best advice column is now history.]

About the Author:
Dear Jon is going to take a nap.

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