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Haulin' Your Hiney Outta There
But it's only a game, officer.

by Richard 'Mr. Moo' Moore
September 17, 2006

One Adam 12, see the rowdy, drunk obnoxious fan in Section 6 Row 14 Seat 13. And throw them outta here.
Sounds fictitious? But actually it is true. Sort of. Cincinnati Bengals management is calling out fans who are being jerks and removing them from the stadium. Now this isn't a warning that you must sit quietly in your seat for the whole game. But get drunk, being vulgar and obnoxious, throwing things on to the field and you could be watching the rest of the season from the stool at the neighborhood sports bar.
513-381-JERK.  This hot line has been set up to report that crazy fool sitting in your section that everyone would love to throw out of the stadium.
Let's say you are sitting in that section and a fan becomes a fanatic. Excessive foul language, sloppy falling down drunkenness, starting fights with other fans and you have had it. So you pick up your cell phone and call the jerk line. 513-381-JERK.
The stadium has 38 video cameras positioned so security can look in on the subject of your call. If the situation is serious enough, one of the over 500 security officers could be sent to your section. At that point, the officer could make the call to either warn or remove the subject from the stadium. More serious offense could have their season tickets revoked or arrested and taken to jail.
Now part of me has to ask why to we take this game so serious that we would be willing to fight anyone, use language that would make a sailor blush and toss things not nailed down onto the field of play. But I guess when you mix 60 or 70,000 people, lots of beer and emotions running amuck – you're going to have a couple of crazies.
So if you're sitting next to one of them at your next game in Cincinnati, call the jerk line at 513-381-JERK. But be ready to be called a few lovely things as they haul his hiney outta there.

About the Author:
Mr. Moo assures his readers that he will never be called out at any ball game. Now at a political rally …

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