DEAR JON LETTERS
Fashion Tips for Hen-pecked Husbands
by Dear Jon
June 10, 2008
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
I'm tired of my wife always telling me what to wear. I come downstairs ready to go to work and she tells me to change shirts or to get another pair of socks or whatever. How can I tell her to mind her own business? I can dress myself, thanks.
Husband in a Huff
Oh man! You are hilarious!
On the remote chance that you are looking for real advice on this matter, let me rephrase your question:
"I'm tired of the earth always orbiting the sun. How can I tell the earth to stop it?"
"I can dress myself, thanks." You must be married, like 3 whole months or something. You do not need advice on how to change the fundamental forces of feminine nature in your wife; you need advice on marital longevity. So here it is: Get over yourself and soon.
When it comes to the clothes you wear, your wife knows what works. You don't. In fact, my guess (unless you are a comic genius--note my initial response) is that you haven't got a clue. My proof is that she keeps having to correct your fashion choices. Now, if this were a woman writing about her husband always telling her what to wear, we would have a completely different situation on our hands.
In my last column I wrote about the reassuring behavioral traits of "boyness," which, beyond being aggravating to women, communicate to the female subconsciously that there are sufficient levels of testosterone at work to ensure the continuation of the human species. Of course, there are also levels of the counterpart hormone, estrogen, at work in the female. The problem, though, is that while women get past the aggravation due to their deeper intuitions, men have all the intuition of sand-paper. So the things that men find aggravating about women, do not in fact "reassure" the male at all. Instead we are intimidated by the nagging for good reasons and the crying for no reasons until we respond in one of four ways:
First: The jerks among men respond to the intimidation by fleeing from the relationship. That's bad when you are both seventeen and she was looking forward to the prom. It's horrible when you have been married eight years and a second child is on the way.
Second: Some men get violent. I had tried to describe these men with adjectives, but not one of them that I can think of can fit well into a family-friendly website. This is the best I can do: Men who get violent with the significant women in their lives are #^$$%^ and !@#^% -of-%^$& who should be flushed into sewers.
Third: The sensitive, well-adjusted male among us seeks to maintain open communication and strives to remain in touch with his own feelings while creating safe environments where she can share hers. There are approximately 48 such men on the planet.
Fourth: The rest of us hide ourselves behind walls of emotional aloofness.
It is a good thing that enough women realize that this aloofness is just another function of that aggravating testosterone, or we all would have become extinct centuries ago.
So, Huff, take her advice on your attire as reassurance that she is all woman, just as she intuitively appreciates your fashion dorkiness as proof that you are all man. But if you really want her to stop harping on your fashion selections, get it right before you come downstairs. This is not the advice you wanted, but this is the advice you are getting.
Ten Fashion Tips for the Average Husband
About the Author:
Dear Jon doesn't always get his fashions choices right the first time either, but after fifteen years his average is better than at the beginning of the marriage.
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