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DEAR JON LETTERS
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Another Current Events Quiz

by Dear Jon
March 31, 2009

Dear Readers,

First of all, thank you Tracy for your actual letter last week. I enjoyed writing an actual response. I hope I have not offended too many men named "Tracy," particularly since I believe there is at least  one in the National Football League.

Unfortunately, readers did not take Tracy's queue, with the result that I have another empty mailbox. I figure this is because my readers, being of high intelligence, have been so busy reading newspapers and watching broadcasts to follow the Chrysler Crisis. So I thought it would be amusing to your ilk to have another Current Events Quiz, like one that was run five years ago.

Current Events: Special Obama First Hundred Days Edition

  1. The government wants more concessions from General Motors and Chrysler Motors, including from the unions, before throwing more money down their drains, which proves:

            a) The white upper-midwest working class really is not Obama's base after all.

            b) It takes a Democrat to break up the United Auto Workers, kind of like it took Nixon to go to China.

            c) No corporation is safe from centralized government control in this new era of fear-based economic Fascism.

            d) It's about time government started attaching strings to the money that these corporate giants have leeched from them in massive special-interests welfare.

            e) All of the above.

    2. Supreme Court Justice David Souter has filed a request for President Barak Obama to  produce a valid birth certificate. The story that President Obama has complied and         thus proven the validity of his candidacy and election, was first reported on (fill in the         blank with date and news organization)______________________________.  If you can fill in this blank, please write to Dear Jon and let me know. As far as I know, this has never been resolved, which to me is a bigger constitutional scandal than Watergate. So if you do know how this was resolved, let me know. I'm losing sleep. If you do not know how this has been resolved, then if you thought about this for about three seconds you would realize that the problem is not that I'm losing sleep on it; the problem is that you aren't.

    3. President Bush recommended a trillion dollar program for a permanent Moon base and human landings on Mars. This was a field day for his critics. Than the economy soured. The current spending between Bush and Obama on economic recovery and stimulus programs is around 3 trillion dollars. What we have to show for this expense is:

        a) A Martian City with its own orchestra, library, and community college!

        b) A fantastic new infrastructure for  transportation now in development with renewable fuels, cleaner emissions, and faster connections.

        c) A completely overhauled system of health-care management with billions of dollars having generated advances in making medicines better and cheap, and in detection technologies.

        d) We have gotten diddly-squat to show for it, except complaints from corporate giants that the money being dumped on them is "not enough."

    4. The same Illinois political machine that has impeached an indicted governor and in March brought down another of Chicago's department chiefs, has also produced the  sitting President of the United States. We can be confident that President Obama is above all of this Illinois slime because:

        a) Apples always fall far from the tree.

        b) You cannot judge a person's character by the friends they keep.

        c) If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a beautiful swan.

        d) Oprah vouches for him.

    5. The lessons to be learned from the economic downturn are as follows:

        a) People who have no business buying homes with their credit history and income power, should not be given loans to buy homes.

        b) Companies that issue such high risk loans should not be allowed to market this business to speculators as an investment in "securities."

        c)  Unless the outcome is rampant foreclosure, collapse and panic, in which case the government will handsomely reward those companies and their corporate investors with the free money given it by those Americans who worked hard to earn a solid credit rating and who thought they were following good advice when they invested in mutual funds because these "spread the risk."

        d) Of course it turns out, silly Middle Class Working Family, that "spreading the risk" means that we, your mutual fund, had diversified your investments in SEVERAL companies that were issuing mortgage securities. Ha ha! That's the breaks! But we're pretty sure that with enough tax dollars we won't make the same mistakes again!

        e) All of the above.

    6. Wait, isn't there a war going on somewhere?

        True

        False

    7. The liklihood that a world empire's continued presence in Afganistan will not lead to a self-defeating quagmire is:

        a) given about the same chance as the British Empire's

        b) and the Soviet Union's

    8. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's Exit Strategy for the War on Terror and other         issues of engagement of the Middle East are most likely to hinge on which of these         courses?

        a) Try to revive the Oslo Accords from her husband's presidency, which is really the   only part of her husband she is interested in reviving.

        b) Blame the vast right-wing conspiracy for starting it all in the first place, so that     ignonimity and defeat for the USA would REALLY only be a defeat of the right-wing conspirators, so there, neener neener.

        c) Admit that the Jihadists have been right all along, and shift the strategy to blaming Israel for everything, including the 9/11 Attack on America, Gulf Coast hurricanes and Dancing with the Stars.

        d) Lie awake at night and dream that as President she would have just nuked the     whole %^&*-%**&ing region from Kashmir to Istanbul.

        e) Who knows? If you know, please tell me. It's keeping me up at night.

 




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