DEAR JON LETTERS
by Dear Jon
June 2, 2009
Given the response to the Buzz Words as Race Horses contest, the winner should have been a horse called Short Attention Span. After Sort 386, which wrote up the call on the DC Derby, we did not get many racing forms cast for The Freakness. Such as it is, because one person cared enough to cast multiple ballots, the big winners are Fog of War, Rush to Judgment, and Bail Out, all by several lengths. The final race is the National Stakes invitational. That race form appears below. All the usual rules(?) apply. Fog of War has the inside track to win the Triple Crown.
Meanwhile, in case you are wondering, I do still take letters for advice. For example, someone might be wanting advice on how to get a job in this current economic climate. Someone else might want to know about rules for dating when wallets are lean. Does something have to be expensive to be romantic, the person (male) will ask. Ah, such wisdom I could share for times like these.
But of course, my readers are all too busy looking for jobs and registering at dating sites.
Maybe advice columnists, even humorous ones, are a thing of the past? After all, who has time to laugh at themselves when they are already two months behind on the rent? Who wants to chuckle at the humorous take on the gender gap by a post-contemporary middle-brow snob? Answer: Approximately as many as have submitted racing forms.
Whatever your opinion may be, I think "Fog of War" and "President of a Different Color" should be registered as real race horses. Just because I'm not appreciated does not mean I'm not a genius.
Now for my next schtick: professional wrestling against women.
So here is the race form. I'm already eighteen hours behind dead-line and feeling sorry for myself, as you can tell. So if you want to help me out of my funk, you can do two things: Cast your ballot for the National Stakes, OR, WRITE ME A LETTER!
Fog of War
Rush to Judgment
President of a Different Color
Shock and Awe
Return the Bonus
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