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Predictions, As Promised

by Dear Jon
January 13, 2010


Better late than whatever. It's still Tuesday even on the east coast.

1. Dear Jon will likely publish another book with the Partial Observer. It's a novel that is definitely written in the Dear Jon persona as a romantic he-said/she-said comedy (what else would it be?) called Beautiful People. My decision will depend on the clamor I receive from PO readers. The sooner you start clamoring, the sooner you will get to read my masterpiece.

2. Dear Jon will likey announce an addition to the family in 2010.

3. Changes in Dear Jon's life will put his pursuit of a terminal degree in doubt.

4. 2010 will see no appreciable advances in the reconciliation of Israel with the Palestinian Authority, or of Pakistan with itself, or of the Taliban with women in general.

5. Hopefully France will continue its policy of requiring people who want to live in France to also want to be French in language, manners and culture.

6. Hopefully Danish newspapers will continue to promote the freedom of expression.

7. Hopefully female singers will stand up for their own dignity and that of women everywhere instead of submitting to abusive relationships.

8. Hopefully no NFL players will get themselves murdered in 2010. I'm not holding my breath. Coaches need to start getting in their business. "You play in the NFL, you have joined the class of millionaires. That means your former associates have no business being around you anymore, ever. Deal with new associates, your millionaire teammates. Hunt with them. Golf with them. Play your pick-up basetball with them, and no one else. If your former friends start saying of you that you're uppity and think you're too good for them, you just let them think that. Better yet, make it true. Kapeche?"

The ones who don't need to hear that because they come from decent, law-abiding friends, will continue to function. The ones who DO need to hear it, because their friends are dealing either crack or meth depending on where they're from, get that riot act read to them as a one strike law. The NFL is one place where zero tolerance amounts to a sane idea.

9. Gosh, this stuff isn't very funny, is it? I don't predict that predictions for 2011 will be much funnier. I do predict that I will write several funny articles in 2010. I also predict that the funniest ones I write will be answers to actual letters from readers.

10. The Streep/Baldwin movie It's Complicated is going to inspire a bunch of knock-offs involving flabby old actors which will come nowhere near the charm or fun of the original.

11. AVATAR is going to inspire a bunch of knock-offs which will come nowhere near the charm or wonder of the original.

12. In the Fall of 2010, feel-good football movies will be released. Only about one of them will be worth watching. On cable, Spike's premier of a television series Blue Mountain State on Tuesday January 12th left me nearly sick to my stomach after the first words from the coach's mouth. I get that he was setting the whole tone of what that football factory was going to be, and that none of it was going to have me feel good. So I turned off the television and started reading.

13. I predict that Dear Jon will read a lot in 2010.

14. Health Care legislation will inspire a host of lawsuits and court challenges to its constitutionality.

15. Either Hilary Clinton's profile increases on the global stage, or the Ship of Obamastate will run aground.

16. As the clock ticks on No Child Left Behind, fewer schools than EVER will meet the standards, causing whole-sale changes at the administrations of local schools throughout the country, leading to fresh chaos in guidance counseling and discipline. Meanwhile, we have chosen to be completely distracted by midnight filibusters and secret closed-to-C-Span health-care deals, and that distraction will continue so long as most congressional representatives refuse to take the political risk of admitting that No Child Left Behind was one of the most ill-conceived laws ever passed by the federal government. Getting left behind in this process, of course, are children. More children than ever.

17. If the federal government messes up No Child Left Behind so badly and still ignores it, what in the sam-hill are they doing with health-care? Dear Jon predicts that if a bill is signed into law in 2010 regarding health-care, it will be royally and impeachably screwed up.

18. 2010 will see no measurable impact from 2009's Amsterdam Global Warming summit. It is cool that India produces a car for under $3,000 though.

19. In 2010, HISTORY Channel will continue to broadcast crap about Nostradamus, aliens and the end of the world. Silly me, I thought HISTORY Channel was about showing old footage and documentaries and stuff. Like MTV shows music videos. Oh.

20. One of the tests of Obama's globalism will come early in 2010, in the rapidity of America's response to the January 12th earthquake in Port Au Prince, Haiti.

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