DEAR JON LETTERS
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Since Women Aren't Writing Letters
by Dear Jon
February 16, 2010
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
I believe I was present at at least one Super Bowl Party where the most likely author of "Dear Jon" was also present, and when the Super Bowl halftime show featured artists in your same age range or younger, you cheered the idea of watching something else instead.
Yet in your most recent column you make fun of the old rockers who actually entertain the people with familiar songs in the Super Bowl halftime shows.
I don't have the guts to reveal my true identity, and since I won't do that, I don't have the credibility to expose you as the hypocrite that you are. Dear Jon, can you help me get the courage to expose Dear Jon as a fraud?
Dear Unsigned Dork,
Who needs to know your true identity? To get in the game with me you need to sign your letters SOME how.
Without looking anything up, I think technically to be a "fraud" means to have "defrauded" someone, which means the fraud has somehow profited from the false pretenses. Hypocrite I may be, but if profit has anything to do with, I am DEFINITELY no "fraud."
I did not "make fun" of anyone. In conversations about The Who a few days later, other graying Love Generation Woodstock Nation types were talking about how dumb those guys looked. I was surprised to hear that. I did not think so at all. Looking "old" is not the same as looking "dumb" except to people who are now twice the age they were told not to trust forty years ago, in an attitude that The Who hilariously parodied in "Talkin' 'Bout My G-Generation."
The Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction is more proximate to my own "g-generation" I guess, while the guy involved is younger. Yet I proved to be prescient in my vote to turn the channel even before that debacle began. The Super Bowl learned its lesson apparently and figures that no one under 58 knows how to behave.
One of the honestly embarrassing features in recent Super Bowl shows, occurred during Paul McCartney's. He was great (please no e-flames) but some genius decided to crowd the field with teeny-boppers. Like they would scream for a guy that old? EWW! The British Invasion was so like June 6th Revolutionary War, wasn't it? So no wonder people were screaming back THEN.
All I suggested is that the Super Bowl aim to bring in someone younger than Mick Jagger. That is all. If in his commercial Favre in 2020 had said "I'm older than the acts they bring in at half-time" now THAT would have been REALLY funny.
Since we are on the theme of sports, a word about the Vancouver Winter Olympics.
1. Like the rest of the world I was troubled by the death of the Georgian athlete whose sled was coming down a dangerously fast track which was supported by unpadded girders. I have not looked at Canadian newspapers. I can imagine though that this type of scandalous tragedy touches Canadians deeply. When we recall Atlanta in 1996 and the back-pack bomb it seems safe to say that there will be ramifications. Chicago lost its bid effort. It may be longer than 22 years before Canada hosts another. Now on to far less serious matters.
2. Anyone comparing Canada's winter opening ceremonies event (population, 33 million) with China's summer event (population 1.45 billion) is trying to compare a snow-ball to a birthday cake. The opening ceremonies stand or fall on their own vision. In my opinion it was ill-conceived on several levels.
First of all, the youth who sang the national anthem "O Canada" demonstrated a set of pipes and obviously did it the way it was rehearsed since the orchestra stayed with her the whole time. So I have no complaint with her. My complaint is with the arranger of the music and whomever was responsible for thinking that such a rendition would be a good idea.
Second, traditional welcoming ceremonies by indigenous nations is a great idea. The execution of the concept, however, involved giant robotic totem poles. I have not read I Heard the Owl Call My Name but I HAVE read The Sparrows Fall and a biography of Plains Cree Chief Poundmaker. I recall no traditional references to giant robots. Someone said it looked to them like The Lord of the Rings. It reminded me of the Easter Island statue in the movie Night at the Museum, the one who says: "You give me gum gum."
Third, and this is true for all opening ceremonies everywhere: Speed up the parade of athletes. For example, what in the sam hill is Australia doing with a winter team? I think there should be a rule that says each nation that wants to participate in the Winter Olympics demonstrate that winter-season activities are native to their soil, and, they should field at least 10 athletes. If you do not fit this rule you should march all together with all the other tropical and equatorial countries and their handful of athletes who learned to speed-skate or slalom while living with their Austrian mothers. They would come at the end, and be introduced as "The Axis of Miscellaneous and Rogue States."
3. That is all I have to say about opening ceremonies. I do have something to say to the international community, which is inspired by my irritation with the Olympics parade of athletes. I suggest that The Hague or The Brussels or whatever The World Government calls itself, adopt the Daley Rule: If you are a soveriegn nation of fewer than a quarter of a million people, you automatically qualfiy for dissolution according to "eminent domain" laws if the real country next to you needs to expand an airfield.
4. If the last three years are any indication of trends, Chicago should make a bid for the Winter Olympics.
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