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DEAR JON LETTERS
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners

by Dear Jon
June 8, 2010

Now that Drosselmeyer has won the Belmont I'm looking to place all my money on any 3 year-old filly that's named "The Dying Swan."

Still this is no reason to name a colt "The Nutcracker." A gelding, maybe.

I don't care who you are or where you come from or what you believe, no one has any business naming a colt "The Dying Swan." Go ahead and name him "Billy Elliot."

That's three jokes for the triple crown, which is old news since it ran its last leg three days ago. Let's talk current news, with the basketball finals. It's the Celtics versus the Lakers. Wait a minute, I must be back in my old news files....

I'm pretty sure you can find a few Celtic persons in Boston. But who can show me a lake in Los Angeles?

The Blackhawks and Flyers are in a fight for the Stanley Cup. Actually, both teams are so good they find time to play hockey.

Blackhawks fever is sweeping Chicago. All over the north suburbs kids are going on summer break and their parents are hauling them around in Lexus CRV's looking for hockey lessons, and their moms are dressing like Sarah Palin. Plus on Chicago's south side kids are becoming really curious about hockey.  All the time they're saying, "Hockey? What's that?"

Speaking of ice, why don't we just freeze the Gulf of Mexico?

How many aid ships does it take to feed Gaza for a week? That depends, are the mortar tubes hollow or filled with corn meal?

Helen Thomas represented an era: of biased, partisan journalism.  She was ahead of her time, then in her time, then behind her time. Now she is back in fashion as someone officially "over." Does her resignation mean she will stop dying her hair?

Who gets that front row seat now? You know those automatic machines that launch tennis balls so that players can practice returning serves? Helen Thomas can be replaced by a machine like that--one that slings mud.

What if Hamas declared peace with Israel and acknowledged its innate and internationally validated right to exist? While we are on the topic of dreaming impossible dreams, what if cars ran on salt water and emitted oxygen as their exhaust? What if consumers spent less than they earned?  What if wooden puppets could come to life and grow their noses when they lie? What if the Chicago Cubs moved to Toledo? What if new by-passes were built before old roads got fixed? What if old roads got fixed one at a time instead of all at once? What if the sun rose in the west and set in the east? What if Al and Tipper got divorced? Hey, I'm on a role! And...

Oh.

I have an idea: What if the United States declared a "reciprocity agreement" with all other nations concerning immigration? In other words, we will require of immigrants from Mexico or China exactly the same as what Mexico or China requires of immigrants from the United States! Wow! Mutual respect and fairness and....

Is that the sunrise? What direction am I facing?

I'm trying to think of sexy gender-based humor, but I've got Helen Thomas stuck in my head. Sorry folks. I'll try to be funnier/edgier/sexier next week. You can help me along by writing letters.

Yes. The sun IS rising in my face and I am DEFINITELY facing west! 

 

 




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