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Dear Jon: Special Thanksgiving Edition
Turkey Cooking 101 for bachelors

by Dear Jon
November 23, 2000

Dear Jon: Special Thanksgiving Edition_Dear Jon-Turkey Cooking 101 for bachelors Dear Jon: As a bachelor I am hosting my first Thanksgiving, because I got tired of other people feeling sorry for me. So I'm trying to roast my 22 lb turkey. When I pulled it out of the freezer at 1 PM today, the directions said it would take three days to thaw, and then an additional 7 hours to cook at 325 degrees. Basically, I need to have it cooked in 90 minutes, because my nephews have eaten all the Party Mix, my pregnant sister is lying on my futon in a hunger faint, and the Cowboys game is in the third quarter. What should I do? Sincerely, Turkey Chef.

Dear Turkey Chef: Let me guess, the know-it-all I-can-do-this-myself macho man was too embarrassed to ask his mother, right? Well, just between us guys, here is how you can survive the day: Preheat the oven at 475 degrees. Take a chainsaw, cut the turkey into several portions, and spread them out over the oven rack. Set your timer to 90 minutes. Then order a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, because YOU, friend, are hosed.

Dear Jon: In my adult lifetime, and I am old enough to be your father, a female of any age has not been referred to as a "gal" among educated males.
Signed, Rural Wisconsinite

Dear Nite: Since you wrote, I am going to give you advice, as this is an advice column, and as I give advice whether or not any advice is sought. My advice is, you should get out more. In my adult lifetime, and apparently I'm young enough to be your son, "gals" have always been the equivalent of "guys." Not only
equivalent, but equal in status, at least philosophically, because there is still, statistically speaking, inequity in pay for equal work. Not that this has anything to do with me, since I've never had a job that paid me more than peanuts, as my own Dad, a great guy, knows all too well.

Dear Jon: Is it true, what the Webmaster said, that you lose letters and don't know how to post on-line? Sincerely, A Fan in Doubt

Dear Fan: Lies! Slander! Egregious exaggeration! This is just a plot for technogeeks to make us all dependent on their little rules and sub-routines. But I can prove that I am equal with the webmaster. Check this next letter out!

Dear Jon: I am having trouble with my abacus beads. They seem to be sticking. I wanted to ask the Webmaster first, but when I read HIS column, it was all merely meaningless technobabble. I knew that YOU could solve a problem rooted in real life! What should I do? Sincerely, Math Whiz

Dear Whiz: I would suggest wiping off any dust from the abacus wires with a cotton cloth. If there is still some sticking, try lubricating with the same oil you use on your bike chain. Let me know if this helps. I am HERE for YOU.

About the Author:
Jon gives advice about anything, including anything covered by the merely meaningless technobabble of The Webmaster.

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