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Dear Jon Letters: Tenth Sort
Fantasy football, E-Trade, and the FBI

by Dear Jon
December 14, 2000

Dear Jon Letters: Tenth Sort_Dear Jon-Fantasy football, E-Trade, and the FBI ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon:

I hate my life. My fantasy football team just got bounced out of the super bowl running because neither of my THREE receivers could catch a touchdown pass nor did they gain 100 yards recieving in Monday night's game! Two of those recievers are members of the Buffalo Bills (a so called professional football team). That ruined a 5 game winning streak that got me into the playoffs!

To add to that misery I submitted an order to sell stock in a high tech company at the opening price the next morning. I find out at work that next afternoon that the stock has dropped over $10 per share...looks like I made the right move. Unfortunately, E-Trade has no record of the order so I get stiffed because I cannot afford to take on E-Trade on a law suit. Jon what can I do? I fed the @#$% barking neighbors dog three jars of pickles, but that has not made me feel better. Any suggestions?


Dear Footballfan, My first suggestion is, when you write to Dear Jon, please include your own expletive symbols so that I don't have to. While it was a mild expletive that has been heard on Prime Time television since Archie Bunker, I don't want people to be offended by any words they read. I only want to offend people with my advice, innuendos, and attitudes.

My second suggestion is: You have an E-trade question? Ask the "Webmaster," because I am too stupid to figure this one out. See, I read all over the news magazines, that employers are able to go in and read employee e-mail and spy on the web-sites they visit, because even when we "delete" these things, they never really disappear. So how can some E-trading organization assert it has "no record" of your order? So you see that I am too stupid to answer this web-related question.

If you want to make make money, make it the old fashioned way. "A penny saved is a penny earned." I've got a mattress FULL of money; I had it sewn
up for Y2K. I'm hanging on to it for after the White House coup d'etat, when the army steps in to resolve the Constitutional Crisis and installs Strom Thurmond as our next President. Can't be too careful nowadays.

My third suggestion is: You hate your life? Nobody promised YOU a Super Bowl garden. Get over it, and next year, make sure you draft your receivers from the Rams. If you can't stand the dill, don't eat the pickle, that's what I always say. That's why I don't eat pickles. It's also why I don't enter fantasy football pools.

Dear Jon: I am convinced that the FBI is spying on me, because I know that Arabs are using their oil money to infiltrate the United States and convert us to Islamic Fundamentalism within the next 15 years. This presidential election is all part of the plot, constructed by the Pope and old Soviet KGB agents through local Masonic temples, as a means of establishing Catholic-Communist hegemony through their traditional Islamic allies. What steps can I take to elude the authorities?
Sincerely, Mr. "X"

Dear Mr. "X," I shouldn't tell you this, but it really doesn't matter. The fact is, I am part of the Papal-Soviet-Masonic-Muslim plot, and at our weekly "Let's Get Mr. X" meeting of our lodge, I vouchsafed from my friends in Air Force intelligence that they know your real identity, and by the time this is posted on Thursday, you will e "disappeared." But thanks for writing, and serving as a warning to all true-blue patriots in these United States: You heard it from me, folks. Resistance is futile. PS, Mr. "X," if you HAPPEN to elude our Ninja-trained commandos THIS time, please be aware, we really ARE out to get YOU.

Confidential to Motorist in Kenosha: Where, exactly, did you learn to drive?

Thought for the Day: It's better to leave your cookies half-baked than to burn them, because if they are half-baked, you can always mix them in with your ice-cream.

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