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JAMES LEROY WILSON
Happy New Millennium!
The Best of the Millennium

by James Leroy Wilson
December 28, 2000

Happy New Millennium!_James Leroy Wilson-The Best of the Millennium Now that the second millennium is coming to an end, it is time - and I think it is the first time any media outlet has done this - to remember those people and events who changed everything and brought us to where we are today. These selections are definitive, with no unfair omissions at all. And don't for a minute think that a "list" column is a quick and easy way to dash off a column before deadline. A lot of thought went behind all of this.

Statesman of the Millennium: George Washington.

Renegade Monk of the Millennium: Martin Luther.

Hypothesis of the Millennium: Biological evolution of species, originated by Charles Darwin

Death of the Millennium: Archduke Ferdinand, heir of the Austria-Hungary throne, by assassination in 1914.

Oscar nomination snub of the Millennium: 1996, Best Song category, Tom Petty's "Walls" from the film She's the One.

Athlete of the Millennium: the kid at the Rugby School in England who picked up the ball and ran with it, sometime in the early eighteenth century.

Inventor of the Millennium: Thomas Edison

Renaissance Man of the Millennium: Leonardo Da Vinci

Artist of the Millennium: Michelangelo

Musician of the Millennium: Bach, I guess.

Lyricist of the Millennium: Charles Wesley. Runner-up: Paul Simon

Second Person in a credited songwriting duo of the Millennium: Richards. Runners-up: Sullivan, McCartney

Under-represented culture in Millennial Achievement lists of the Millennium: China

Man of Categorical Importance: Immanuel Kant

Under-achievement Award: Marilyn vos Savant, columnist of Parade Magazine, who has the highest IQ in the world. Runner-up: Jeff George, back-up quarterback of the Washington Redskins, his fifth team in 11 years.

Logically convincing but existentially unsatisfying Theology of the Millennium: Calvinism

Video game of the Millennium: Road Rash

Anarchist Anthem of the Millennium: "Convoy" by C.W. McCall

The "How in Hell did THAT Happen?" Event of the Millenium: Churchill's party losing the 1945 elections.

Safe Place for Jews of the Millennium: The United States of America.

General of the Millennium: Napolean

Screen Actor of the Millennium: James Stewart.

Screen Director of the Millennium: Alfred Hitchcock

Bad Idea of the Millennium: New coke. Runner-up: Hitler invading the USSR before finishing off Britain.

Baseball player of the Millennium: Babe Ruth.

Television show of the Millennium: The Simpsons. Runner-up: The $25,000 Pyramid.

Playwright of the Millennium: William Shakespeare

Person of the Millennium: Christopher Columbus

Fraud of the Millennium: You thought the Monkees, who didn't play their instruments, were bad, and Milli Vanilli, who didn't even sing, even worse. What about the Archies, who had the #1 hit in 1969 with "Sugar Sugar." Not only didn't they sing or play, they weren't even real people!

Magazine of the Third Millennium: The Partial Observer, of course.

The editor apologizes for publishing this column late in the day due to holiday travel.

About the Author:
James Leroy Wilson collaborrated with Carl Reiner on the 2000 Year Old Man routine and therefore knows a lot about this past millenium.


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