DEAR JON LETTERS
Special New Year's Day Sort
Dear Jon’s Predictions for the Third Millennium
by Dear Jon
January 1, 2001
Dear Miffed: Get a life, and would you quiet down, please?
Dear Jon: What credentials do you bring to making predictions for what life will be like one thousand years from now? Sincerely, Another Skeptic
Dear Tic: I do not read palms, zodiacs, or crystal balls. I do not see visions of angels or virgins. I do, however, have an uncanny knack for predicting outcomes by combining two traits; an enthusiasm for history is the first, which informs the second, an unfailing pessimism. So far I have applied these gifts to predicting the outcomes of football games involving my favorite teams. I am now branching out.
Dear Jon: In addition to all your other neurotic foibles, you are not one of those Armageddonist freaks who stocked up on Y2K supplies, are you? Sincerely, The JO2Ke’s on You.
Dear You: I did not buy oil drums full of dehydrated food, if that is what you are asking. But tell me this, has anyone come up with good explanations as to why air travel was such a mess during the Year 2000? And NASDAQ companies lost 3 Trillion dollars in 2000. Y2K might not have seen Armageddon, but I’ll bet there are some garage dot.com start-up employees who wish they had a kerosene stove and an oil drum full of food right now. Or an oil drum full of oil, for that matter. Remember what happened to petroleum prices in the Year 2000?
Dear Jon: You are being distracted from your purpose. Where are the predictions for the next thousand years, the next century, and the next decade? Sincerely, Impatient
Dear Pat: You are correct. Without further stalling, here are my predictions:
1. In the year 2001, George W. Bush will become President of the United States.
2. Within the next ten years, George W. Bush will not be President of the United States.
3. Within the next hundred years, George W. Bush will die.
4. Within the next thousand years, George W. Bush will be forgotten.
5. In 2001, many people will lose their shirts trading in the stock market.
6. Within the next ten years, many people will retire into some measure of comfort, because they had invested patiently in the stock market in long-term mutual funds.
7. Within the next hundred years, a new market will redefine the economy.
8. Within the next thousand years, Wall Street will be forgotten.
9. In 2001, there will be terrorism, vandalism, arson, and random murder.
10. Within ten years, Scientists will discover that something we all take for granted is actually killing us, like, computer monitor radiation, for example.
11. In the next century, 6 BILLION People will DIE!
12. A thousand years from now, house builders will accidentally dig up many of our cemeteries.
13. In 2001, we will hear Strauss’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” so often we will want to kick in our televisions.
14. Within ten years, someone will propose a reasonable plan to land a human being on Mars. Congress will kill this plan.
15. In the next century, DNA development microprocessor development will merge into a new technology.
16. A thousand years from now, the things that are the subject of ethical debate today will not be debated any more.
17. In 2001, Bush will use force in some hot spot to assert America’s power.
18. Within ten years, the loss of American troops in an engagement non-vital to American interests will renew America’s isolationist fervor.
19. In the next century, American ground forces will be involved in a long and protracted ground war against a stubborn opponent, and the U.S. mainland will be struck by weapons launched off-shore. In the wake of this conflict, a new spate of rivals will compete with America’s hegemony over the globe.
20. A thousand years from now, The United States of America will not exist anymore. People will tour the Mountain of Faces and the memorials on Washington mall, just as we tour the Coliseum, the Parthenon and the Great Pyramids.
21. In 2001, courts across the land will continue to expand the precedents that are eroding 1st Amendment freedoms of speech, assembly, and religion.
22. The term “post-Christian” will be applied to the United States as it has been applied to western Europe.
23. In the next century, missionaries for Jesus Christ will come to the U.S. from Korea, the Sudan, Kenya, South Africa, India, Mexico, and Central and South America. They will come in such numbers that Presidents will issue executive orders, and Congress will pass laws, limiting the issue of entry and resident visas to proselytizing members of religious organizations.
24. A thousand years from now, the United States won’t be around anymore, but the Church will continue to thrive all around the world.
25. In 2001, court television will continue to erode community, civility, and responsibility in the U.S.
26. In the next decade, internet recruitment of children will swell the ranks of hate-groups, while wonks and pundits and moralists wonder why there is such appeal. They will propose limiting first amendment freedoms, and throwing money down the drains of special public school tolerance workshops.
27. In the next century, the worst acts of terrorism in U.S. borders will be performed by home-grown white-bigot groups, which has always been the case.
28. A thousand years from now, people will continue to hate people who are different from themselves, but all the categories will have changed.
29. In 2001, educators are going to go out of their way to provide excuses for student failure, so that the lowering of expectations among those already disadvantaged will cement their pattern of low-performance, thereby assuring the suburban aristocracy of their continued privileges.
30. In the next ten years, efforts to bring reason to America’s delivery and accessibility of health-care, will fail due to the public relations efforts and PAC money of health maintenance organizations.
31. In the next century, the complacency of wealth in the propertied classes will prevent the restoration of constitutional order, civic duty and personal responsibility.
32. In a thousand years, historians will write books entitled, “The Rise and Fall of Western Civilization.”
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