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Advice to God
On Running the Universe.

by Dear Jon
October 14, 2003

Advice to God_Dear Jon-On Running the Universe Dear Readers, I can think of a lot of reasons why no actual letters appeared for Dear Jon this week. You are shocked and awed by Donald Rumsfeld's bombastic hubris. You are in despair over California's election. You are caught up in the excitement of football season. You are debating whether to leave the Roman Catholic Church for the Episcopalians, or the other way around. Stirred by the news of an economic recovery, you have redoubled your efforts to look for a job.

Yes, we are living in a crazy, upside-down world right now. I think the reason is that God has begun to lose control, kind of like falling asleep at the wheel. The best evidence I can find to support this, is that BOTH the Red Sox AND THE CUBS are playing baseball in October.

What God needs is a business retreat, a place to go to get away from being God for awhile. Unfortunately, trying to convince God of that has the tendency of getting one tossed out of heaven. The next best idea would be an Executive's Guide to Self-Help, something written by a Fortune 500 Czar to encourage other CEO's.

My suspicion is that God is too busy to read a book. So, here is my memo to God, entitled: "10 Tips to Running A Universe."

10. When the home team is leading by 3 touchdowns with four minutes left to play, that team is supposed to win. 3 touchdowns is too much for any team to come back from in such a short time. Because of last Monday night when the Colts came back against the Super Bowl Champion Buccaneers, now, for centuries, people will remember this game and they will never lose hope. You can't have that, because it means that people will never go to bed until the bitter end of another Monday Night Blow-out. (Footnote: If the home team is down by 17 points at the beginning of the Fourth Quarter, it is okay to mount a dramatic comeback. But if the home team is AHEAD by 17 points, they should not blow it.)

9. Countries that win wars should, well, they should Win, you know, the War, meaning that the soldiers can go back home. Okay?

8. Red Sox and Cubs in the post-season at the same time is over the top--frankly, some are calling it a sign of your Apocalypse.

7. Wouldn't it be great if all of a sudden all the suicide bombers were wired with duds?

6. Ronald Reagan becoming governor of California was a stretch but it was okay. Jesse Ventura becoming governor of Minnesota was not okay. Now with Ahnold becoming governor some of us are starting to wonder just who is in charge up there. Dick Cheney is a leading suspect.

5. I am sure you are aware of what has been occurring in the Roman Catholic and Episcopalian churches.

4. And in the "Holy Land."

3. And on "Reality Television."

2. It is not that I want fire and brimstone, God. Far from it! Fire is hot and brimstone smells. But it would be nice to see more of your judgments and wrath visited on predators and murderers and sinners of every stripe. Specifically, judgment that is neat and pretty and fun to watch and avoids sufffering for anyone else. Think of "cold" judgment, rather than "hot" judgment.

1. Finally, please forgive MY sins. And please continue the blessings of my relative comfort, since I know that as long as I got mine, I can help you make the world a better place. I just need to make sure I got mine first, that's all. You understand. Thanks.

Maybe God will pay attention to my advice, or maybe not. However, one sure sign that God is putting things back in order in the world, will be that both the Bosox and the Cubs choke in their pennant series.

About the Author:
Dear Jon realized God was not in charge when the Packers blocked the Chiefs field-goal in overtime, only to fumble the ball back to the Chiefs on the next play.

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