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DEAR JON LETTERS
Sort 239
Forgotten Files on Sports and Religion.

by Dear Jon
October 28, 2003

Sort 239_Dear Jon-Forgotten Files on Sports and Religion Dear Readers, Had you written to Dear Jon and wondered why I never published your letter? Take a look at this sort and see if your letter is in it. I am almost pretty positive I never answered the four letters that appear below. Remember, I am always looking for new letters.

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

If Abraham is the "father" of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, why is it that the overwhelming majority of "Holy Wars" are fought by and amongst followers of these three religions? Do they not recognize the similarities?

Sincerely
Holy man


Dear Oly,

You have provided an excellent opportunity for me to plug Dear Jon’s Encyclopedia of Stuff People Need to Know and Nothing Else. I have written an article on the Abrahamic religions and their relationships to each other. I am sure you will find my take on this very enlightening. I will sum up the answer which is provided in Genesis beginning in Chapter 21 and carries through the rest of the book: If even brothers can’t get along, why should religions?


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Do you think Christian peace-making is primarily personal (self and others), primarily political, both personal and political, or something else?

Signed,
Looking for Peace and Understanding


Dear King,

I think Christian peace-making is primarily about listening, actually.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

The leader cult I am part of predicted the world would end July 5th, 2002. Then the leader claimed he made a mistake and the world would end January 20th, 2003. Then he said it would end May 16th, 2003. Then he said he was "really, really" sure it will end Aug 22nd. I don't know if I should believe him anymore. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Moon Star Dayglow
III Order of Wackos,
Berkely, CA


Dear Moon,

I think that the August 22nd date will give future Dear Jon archivists an idea of when this letter might actually have been written. Now that you mention wackos and the end of the world, I am reminded that I should tell you readers what has been happening with my friend, Jon Deer. After swearing off his spirit-channeling, he fell in with a fundamentalist church in California. One night, so he claims, after having drunk seven espressos at a Christian bookstore’s “Back to School” party, he had a vision of the end of the world. I was reluctant to share it, but since readers are obviously concerned about these issues, here, by his permission, for the first time in print:

The Apocalypse of Jon Deer (Chapter One)

Lo, I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, for some have apnea and snore to wake the dead.

I, Jon (the Deer), was seated at my computer, having been exiled by the Webmaster for dropping my main feature, when I looked, and there before me were seven pop-ups, and seven ads within the pop-ups. Then I fell into a heart-fluttering faint, when a voice inside my head spoke to me saying, “Now the time of your writer’s block is at an end. Get up, and write these things that will become your inspiration as your Starbuck’s® overdose takes its course through a night of insomnia.” Now this is the meaning of the seven pop-ups and their ads: the ads are the voices of self-promoting hypocrites, and the pop-ups are the television networks that broadcast them.

Here, then, are the letters that the voice inside my head told me to write to the television networks.

To the American Broadcasting Company: Peter Jennings is a Canadian which makes him the most objective anchorman in America, but I still have this against you; that evil woman, Barbara Walters, giving false hope to children everywhere with speech impediments. To the one who overcomes I will give an emmy and the top of the Nielsen ratings.

To the Columbian Broadcasting System: Everybody Loves Raymond, but you cancelled Murder She Wrote before its time. Because of your faithlessness you lost the bidding war to FOX for the NFC and then pulled the rug from under NBC, so now the AFC is on CBS, which is a sin. The one who overcomes will be Touched By An Angel.

To the National Broadcasting Company: Return to your first love. Think Law and Order: The “Friends” With “Seinfeld” Division. On Sunday afternoons you could probably televise gay porno flicks and no one would notice, except God, who would be really really mad. The one who overcomes will get to make a punching bag out of the guy who decided to broadcast all of Notre Dame’s football games.

(End of Chapter 1.)

That’s it from Jon Deer for now. Now that we are 9 weeks after August 22, my suggestion is you drop that quack and send all your support money to Jon Deer’s Apocalypse Fund, c/o the Partial Observer (Motto: Remember, you can’t take it with you, so you might as well give it to Jon Deer.) Meanwhile, look for future installments of the Apocalypse of Jon Deer, depending on the Webmaster’s permission, who had no idea this was happening until I submitted this article.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

In a sort a few months back you mentioned that one sign society is going to heck in a handbasket was "a hockey team in Dallas and no team in Minnesota." Well, there is a hockey team in Minnesota, the Minnesota Wild. There is, however a hockey team in Phoenix, and no team in Winnepeg, which I think illustrates your point even better.

Sincerely,
Johnny Mullet


Dear Mullet,

Thank you. I should have said, more specifically, “no hockey team in Minnesota worth mentioning.”


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