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DEAR JON LETTERS
Sort 240
Madonna and Britney.

by Dear Jon
November 4, 2003

Sort 240_Dear Jon-Madonna and Britney ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I have been invited by a co-worker of mine to come over to his house for supper the night my favorate football team plays his families' favorate team. I gladly accepted the invitation since my wife and I tend to get along with their family. Since accepting the invitation, I have found out that my co-worker's wife has invented a "special" dance and taught it to her children to use whenever their team scores. My wife also is afraid, knowing the wife's personality that she might border on obnoxious if her team starts winning. I don't feel like I can back out of the invitation, but what should I do: Should I hold back my normal enthusiasm when I cheer for my team? Should I show up wearing my team's colors? What advice can you give me for getting through this dilemma?

Sincerely,
Pakphan


Dear Pakphan,

Short of wearing a team jersey, simply settling for the “team’s colors” might be a little subdued. For example, the Detroit Lions, Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants are a mix of blues and grays that are too conversative. Dressing for these teams must be augmented by blue wigs and face paints. Happily, there are other teams that are completely garish, choosing bold combinations of purple or green. In addition to team colors, jerseys or face paints, some teams have marketed other amenities for the committed fan, such as giant styrofoam wedges of cheese. My suggestion is that you wear gaudy colors and then behave with dignity and reserve.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What do you think of "the kiss" between Britany Spears and Madonna? And how come no one seems concerned that Madonna also kissed Christina Agulera?

Sincerely,
Inquiring Mind


Dear Quir,

I think you need to ask Dr. Spin about the spelling of these names, M. Johnson regarding the appropriateness of women kissing women on national prime-time, and Barnabas about the eroding mindset of a culture that makes this possible. Here are some of my thoughts:

This kiss confirms a suspicion of mine that Britney Spears is laying the foundation for a second career as an Episcopal Priest.

Madonna is getting close to the age where she might be sought after to push dental hygiene products, beginning with breath-freshening gum.

Christina Who?

What would happen if Harrison Ford were to plant one on Ben Affleck?

Mick Jagger has been licking men’s faces for thirty years, hasn’t he?

In college Women’s Studies courses, I am sure that the conclusion arrived in most discussion groups is that even though it’s great for women to “be with” other women, the inescapable conclusion has to be that Madonna frenched Britney because all men are pigs.

I am concerned, as you are, but I am not shocked, surprised, alarmed, or scandalized. To be shocked is to experience a trauma to one’s system from an unexpected event. To be surprised is to be made aware that the unlikely has occurred. To be alarmed is to be alerted to a new danger. To be scandalized is to have one’s hopes in another disappointed by their behaviors.

The most likely person to be shocked, surprised, alarmed, or scandalized, is one who has been impervious to the clues and environments preparing the event. This is why a sleeping person will be jolted more by an event than a waking, aware person.

The behavior of these starlets is not unexpected, nor is it unlikely, nor is it new, nor does it disappoint expectations among anyone who has been the least bit aware of Madonna’s career over twenty years and who is awake to our culture’s trends.

I am not advocating cynicism. I am saying that if you surf your channels with a critical eye, from “The Bachelor” franchise to “guy-oriented” shows on MTV, if you walk into any music store, if you glance at the marquee movie ads in your newspaper, if you listen to what people are able to say and play on the radio, then a sexual kiss between pop music starlets will not in the least surprise you. Don’t get me started on the internet.

A kiss between starlets should concern you, but it should not concern you any more than the rest of the heap of midden piled upon the American consumer by these media outlets. We keep watching, don’t we.


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