DEAR JON LETTERS
iTunes and Hits.
by Dear Jon
November 11, 2003
Think government is too big? Read James Leroy Wilson. Think government is absurd? Read Barnabas. You like t.v.? Catch the old “Program Notes” and then write to the editor INSISTING that PO restore the feature! Come up with a feature yourself—we are always looking for new writers. You can start small and anonymous, if you want, by getting in on the “forums.” And you can join our growing staff of occasional contributors!
Now here is an example of what the “Dear Jon Letters” are all about. There are 240 other columns on this site just like this one. Only those other ones are even funnier. I promise.
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
My wife has a phobia of drinking bottled water that's been left overnight after the bottle has been "opened" (i.e.; the plastic seal has been broken). It doesn't matter if the cap has been put back on, in her mind, the water is now "bad." If the bottle has been refrigerated after opening, that's okay, but only for one additional day. Is this fear rational?
It is obvious that the relationship between you and your wife is in grave peril. You have written to Dear Jon just in time.
To save your marriage, you need to remember that just because your wife’s fears are irrational does not make them wrong. Rational vs. irrational is a boring male distinction based on the connection between effect and cause. Men like a “rational” world where effects can be traced to obvious causes. Completely removed from this equation is the reality called “Intuition.” Intuition allows for causes that are not obvious, particularly to clueless rational males.
Intuition is what gave eyes to the back of your mother’s head. Intuition is what allows women to “multi-task,” allowing them to perform eight other functions (fixing a lunch while ironing a blouse while filing nails while collating that morning’s presentation while putting the breakfast juice away) at the same time that they are reminding you (again) about the dinner party at the Smith’s that evening and could you please pick up some wine.
Because you are a male, you will not pick up the wine because you have no idea about the dinner at the Smith’s because while your wife was giving you these instructions you were completely absorbed solving the maze on the back of the cereal box.
It is intuition, finally, that informs your wife, at some deep psycho-spiritual level for which you can find no obvious cause, that when she is not in the house, you drink the water straight from the bottle. You KNOW that there is no possible way that she can know that this is true. You also know that whenever your wife is out of the house you take your unwashed lips to the spout of that bottle and suck it like a pacifier.
Don’t deny it! You’re talking to another guy and I know what guys do! (If she really has a phobia, by the way, it may trace back to male human pigs when she was growing up who used the refrigerator like their own private feeding troughs.)
You are trying to cover yourself by talking about her “irrational fears.” Women know, intuitively, that most male talk about rational and irrational is a cover for male misbehavior. What you need to do is shut up when it comes to blaming her and come up with a different plan.
Offer a period of “trial separation.” Buy two different labels of bottled water, one “his” and one “hers.” Assure her that you will not touch her water, you will only drink your own. Stick to that promise. See if her attitude toward opened water bottles begins to change. Hopefully that means less bottled water being dumped down the sink.
Show that you want to reconcile by being romantic and thoughtful. Set aside an evening, fix dinner yourself, and play her favorite music. I’m sure the Web can provide plenty of romantic iTunes.
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