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Sort 242
Millionaires and the Women Who Love Them.

by Dear Jon
November 18, 2003

Sort 242_Dear Jon-Millionaires and the Women Who Love Them ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With Ahnold becoming Governor, and forest fires running rampant, is now a good time to move out of California?

West Coaster

Dear Coaster,

With Spanish rule, then the Gold Rush bust, San Francisco Earthquakes I and II, the Dust Bowl invasion, the Hollywood blacklisting, the arrival of the Dodgers, the departure of the Rams, freeway shootings, and rolling power outages, was there ever a good time to move TO California?


Dear Jon,

Do you think the new version of "Joe Millionaire," where FOX tries to fool women of Europe into believing some American schmuck is a millionaire, will better or worsen our relations with that part of the world?

Worldly Watcher

Dear Watcher,

All parties remotely interested in this event are getting exactly what they deserve. However, for relations to be worse than they are now, Europeans would require some semblance of shame. Considering their nude beaches, unshaven legs and unisex restrooms, I doubt that many Europeans will care or be insulted by what is happening.

However, to really spice things up, the next series should be “Joe Millionaire III: 1001 Arabian Nights.” Here is the concept: Women from Qatar, Kuwait, Yemen and Saudi Arabia tell their fathers and brothers that they are being courted by a Bosnian Muslim who has gotten rich in England with a chain of clothing stores. The suitor turns out to be a dirt poor iron-ship loading Unitarian from Upper Michigan!

Ha ha! The laughs would never stop! And imagine the follow-up “where are they now?” stories, as angry families drag their daughters to Mosque trials on charges of blasphemy and prostitution for bringing a thousand generations of shame on her family. Silly girls, they should have read the small print, “The Network is not responsible for any public floggings or executions that might result from your behaviors on our program.”

That would warm up relations with the Arab world, see, because us Americans would learn lots about their customs and stuff. Like, how hard it is for some folks from that side of the world to forgive an insult. Plus, them Arabs would learn about the American way, and how important it is to read the small print anytime you conduct business with Americans, whether Haliburton or FOX, because that’s the American way.

The miracle of television would bring these two worlds together! You think?


Dear Jon,

How much money do I have to make before I can "buy friends" and have an entourage of lackeys and hangers-ons?

Big Spender

Dear Spender,

More than I will ever see. But you could PRETEND to have money and then choose between twelve prospective super-model brides.

Thought for the Day: Last week the stamp vending machine at the Post Office returned a dollar coin to me as change, and then I couldn't get that dollar coin to work in the machine. It just kept sliding through to the coin return. So I could only buy four books of stamps instead of five, because the machine wouldn't accept the money it had given me. That's really dumb.

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