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DEAR JON LETTERS
Sort 250
On Models and Cows.

by Dear Jon
January 13, 2004

Sort 250_Dear Jon-On Models and Cows ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With the invention of such reality shows as "Average Joe" in which a bunch of geeky, ugly men compete for a beautiful woman, and the age of equality, why haven't we seen a show where a bunch of less-than-model-perfect women compete to win the heart of a handsome man (or any man)? Or is it just because men are more shallow than women?

Equal Opportunist


Dear Equal,

Yes, men are more shallow than women. This has to be true because, as I have already written in a previous sort I don’t have time to look up, approximately nine out of every ten women are already or can become sexually attractive. However, only about one out of every ten men can be considered anything other than funny-looking.

The “model-perfect” standard really is not held by men in real life. It is just another ploy of television. I honestly believe we should rename “reality television” and call it “fantasy television.”

I know some women beat themselves up for not being “model-perfect.” The truth is, most Average Joes are not really attracted to models. Models are aloof and self-centered; they have to be, since they must guard their appearance since that is what they sell. Models who have become stars then need to be concerned not only with their appearance, but also with the appearance of those around them. I will not say that models are vain or mean. They are professional, and that brings with it a sense of aloofness. I expect many models, especially those that achieve stardom, are probably lonely and neurotic about their relationships just like the rest of us.

Average Joes are attracted to women with the following traits: A smile that gets into the eyes and lights up the entire face, a generous and attentive personality, and a sense of humor. A woman with those three traits who dresses well and smells nice is a woman that an Average Joe is going to want to be around. Depending on the personality of the Average Joe, some might even get up the courage to ask these women out.

I’m not sure how it works, myself. All I know is that it worked for me. Millions of attractive though not model-perfect women hook up with millions of funny-looking Average Joes, and they wind up happy enough with a family and all the other things that come with reality and maturity rather than fantasy and television.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With the recent Mad Cow disease scare, do you think Americans should eat less beef, maybe cut it out of their diet altogether?

Sincerely,
Beefeater


Dear Feat,

Ha ha ha, you’re hilarious.

A diet without beef is like winter without snow, it is like marriage without commitment, it is like pizza without tomato sauce, it is like coffee without caffeine, it is like elections without positions on issues, it is like houses without foundations.

In other words, a diet without beef is a lot like life in southern California, which is probably where you are from.

Being native to the Great Plains of North America, where roam the Angus and the Holstein, I can tell you what folks in my part of the world call people who suggest that beef should be cut from diets. We call them “tree-huggers,” “fruit-cakes,” and we used to call them “communists” before communists became extinct in 1991.

In the great words of the television commercial with the Aaron Copland music: “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.”

Having said all that and thoroughly offended pinko vegans and Southern Californians and other miscellaneous fruitcakes, I am now going to have to tweak the noses of my own people. Not that they will care, having long since disowned me as one having moved “out east” to live as a city slicker in Chicago having never done an honest day’s work in my life. (An honest day’s work is defined by spending fourteen hours in the August heat lifting hay bales.) Anyway, it is amazing to me that after so many advances in health and safety, after so much enlightenment, after so much regulation, that cattle too sick to stand was still being butchered. A long time ago, in fact, over three thousand years ago, someone said it was against the law to eat meat that had died of itself. Isn’t that amazing? Who was it who said that?

I remember now. Moses. But hey, the Bible is for Sunday, and the rest of the week you’ve got work to do, right?

I reckon just about everyone thinks I’m a jerk by now, so I’ll quit for today.


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