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War on Flu

by Dear Jon
February 17, 2004

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon:

What can you recommend we do to help us protect ourselves from diseases which emanate from China?

I'm getting concerned with all of the diseases that come from China. Swine flu, SARS, and now chickens have some sort of infectious disease.

My friend, over a year ago, contracted swine flu --a strain that originated in China-- which stayed with him for three weeks. I guess a Chinese farmer contracted a flu strain from a swine and then passed it on eventually to Minneapolis to my friend. So, I guess this flu traveled from a swine, to a farmer, back into a swine (in this case my friend).

What can the rest of the world do to protect itself from this constant source of infection?

Dear Blank Spaces,

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am staying away from Minneapolis.

While I avoid Minnesota and Minnesotans generally, I believe that what we need is for our federal government to declare a War on Flu. In this war, civil rights can be suspended in certain quarantine zones, to allow for armed agents from the Center for Disease Control to set up secret wire-taps, monitor avian migration patterns, arrest the sickly and feverish without a warrant, and refuse family visits to hospital wards. Obviously, in the War on Flu, visits from personal doctors will also be suspended for those in the custody of the CDC.

With all of this flu and disease originating in China, the United States must exercise all its options in the War on Flu. This means, of course, regime change in Vietnam, where we can go in and finally “finish the job.” Everybody knows that Vietnam is deliberately infecting germs on its chickens, so a pre-emptive war is, in this case, completely justified. And even if we shock and awe them with precision-guided weapons that their first million casualties had not experienced 35 years ago, and move in and cannot find any evidence of a biological chicken terrorism germ warfare program, that does not mean such a program did not exist.

I’m sorry. You were saying something about China, our most favored trading partner and a booming market for our cigarette manufacturers. Obviously, by talking about our good friends in the People’s Market of China all the time, you are losing focus about our national agenda, the War on Flu. As every true patriot knows, a successful War on Flu depends on regime change in Vietnam.

What the Vietnamese people need, is the stability of autonomous self-rule by our help. What they have now is another kind of stability, the evil kind which comes from ruling themselves autonomously without our help. We need to conquer them, demolish the corrupt regime and its secret Bird Flu munitions program, and show them how to govern themselves correctly. Besides, we have no place around here to store our “butterfly ballot” machines.

We can talk about China later, as soon as we have finished the War on Flu and returned stability to the region of southeast Asia.

I was just handed a note concerning a mistake I made earlier in the column. That would be the People’s REPUBLIC of China, not the People’s MARKET of China. Ha ha. My bad. 


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What makes food "deviled" (deviled ham, deviled eggs)? Should Christians eat deviled food? What about Devil's food cake?

Worried Eater


Dear Worried,

Your problem is that you are assuming definitions by pronunciation. Instead, look at the spelling. Deviled food is “de-viled.” In other words, vile ingredients have either been removed or they have been cancelled by the inclusion of other ingredients.

Of course, that which is vile or de-viled is determined by the palate of the taster. Picky eaters are much more likely to judge foods as “viled.” For example, there is nothing about deviled eggs that I find “de-viled.” They should be renamed “viled eggs.”

Devil’s food cake, on the other hand, is actually a cake that is innately evil. Think of all the heart-ache and suffering caused by Devil’s food cake: It causes fights between siblings over second helpings, it tempts weight-watchers off of diets, it feeds chocolate addiction around the globe. Well, maybe that third sin is not so bad. Anyway, we need to rid the world of the scourge of Devil’s food cake.

This does not mean that we need a War on Devil’s Food Cake. Good grief, THAT would be ridiculous. Instead we need this fight to be led on religious and family fronts. I will lead the way on this righteous crusade. Send all Devil’s food cake you discover straight to Dear Jon, Care of the Partial Observer, and I will personally see to it that it is properly disposed.

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