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Dear Jon's Current Events Survey

A special edition of Dear Jon Letters, and perfectly objective.

by Dear Jon
March 23, 2004

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Test your knowledge of the world with this perfectly objective, accurate, and unbiased questionnaire.
1. Pick one. The Democratic Party’s presumptive nominee to run for President of the United States in 2004 is:
    a) John Kerry 
    b) Drew Carey
    c) Hari Kari
    d) Howard Dean.
2. A sitting President seeking re-election is called
    a)The incumbent 
    b)The redundant 
    c)The cucumber 
    d)The anti-Christ.
3. Article 4 of the Constitution of the United States states that “there shall be two political parties whose candidates shall be invited by the Free Press to debates on national television, namely, the Republican Party and the Democratic Party.” 
    a) True
    b) False
4. The second amendment to the Constitution of the United States states that “…the right to bear arms shall not be infringed.” 
    a) True
    b) False
    c) Maybe, but so what?
5. The Constitution of the United States grants power to the President to send soldiers to die on foreign battlefields.
    a) True
    b) False
6. The Constitution of the United States is no longer in force because, as well all know, we live in extraordinary times after September 11, 2001.
    a) True
    b) False
7. We can declare victory in the “War on Drugs” when:
    a) No cannibus, opium, or coca, is growing anywhere in the world.
    b) And all the meth kitchens throughout the invisible American world of White poverty and rural despair are shut down.
    c) And no one is going to Canada or Mexico to buy cheaper prescriptions.
    d) And we have enough prison space to contain all the violators.
    e) Once the funding for interdiction becomes adequate.
    f) Which funds might be spent more efficiently if our federal law enforcement agencies such as the FBI, DEA, and ATF, actually start communicating with each other.
    g) But that takes a back seat to the FBI’s current priority of learning to communicate with the CIA.
    h) Which will happen sometime after the NSA and the CIA agree that actually they really ARE on the same team
    i) Which, I know this is hard to believe, but it is actually the SAME TEAM as the State Department!
    j) Because we have some other wars we are fighting right now as well, to whit, the War on Terror and the War on Rogue States, so our State Department, alas, cannot spend as much time cajoling and encouraging our hemispheric partners in the War on Drugs.
    k) So as soon as we successfully conclude the War on Rogue States, which will happen as soon as all despots unfriendly to the United States are removed from power, we will be able to concentrate on concluding the War on Terror.
    l) We will have successfully concluded the War on Terror when no one on the earth is sick in the head enough, or a desperate enough adherent to worldviews of hate, to throw a bomb at civilians.
    m) Until such a world comes, WE MUST BE VIGILANT.
    n) And that means diverting resources toward Homeland Security.
    o) Which means more local law enforcement guarding federal court houses.
    p) And taken off the front lines in the War on Drugs.
    q) For which we can declare victory when All of the Above occurs.
8. Multiple Choice: John Kerry is an alternative to George Bush the way:
    a) Lice is an alternative to fleas.
9. In effect the No Child Left Behind law stipulates that entire schools are considered failures when particular student demographics failure rates are too high. These demographic categories include students with severe learning disabilities, and students for whom English is a second or even a third language.
    a) True
    b) True
10. So, if the failure rate in one demographic is greater than what the Federal Government likes, then for that school, All Children Are Left Behind.
    a) True
    b) True
11. A friend of mine makes $21,000/year on the maintenance staff of a hospital. He recently had a two-week hospital stay after an emergency surgery. Total bills are $95,000. His insurance company is dragging its feet on payments. Even if 80% gets covered, the balance will be roughly equal to an entire year’s wage. All of this proves the following:
    a) Thank God for this great system where this man got the surgery he needed. The system ain’t broke, so why fix it?
    b) He should have thought of the costs before he agreed to go to the hospital in an ambulance. It’s not MY fault that hospital bills might force him to declare personal bankrupty, so why should I CARE?
    c) Hilary Clinton is the anti-Christ for submitting a National Health Care proposal, the sick socialist power-mongering witch.
    d) Insurance companies are big, cruel, evil, faceless entities.
    e) None of the above.
12. $95,000 in charges for two weeks at a hospital proves:
    a) That the system is greatly flawed.
    b) That it is no wonder that insurance premiums keep rising faster than inflation.
    c) That a culture of litigation, compliance, and big government, has made a mess of the health care industry.
    d) Solutions must have their origin in the reinvention of the system, rather than in programs that attempt to sustain the current system.
    e) Those solutions are best reached by the captains of the health care industry, rather than by career politicians.
    f) All of the above.
13. Robert McNamara, in the 2003 movie “Fog of War,” admitted that had the United States lost the war to Japan, those who had conceived of the plan to fire-bomb Japan’s cities, including himself, would have been tried as war criminals.
    a) True
    b) False
14. Robert McNamara admitted in the same movie that the American policy-makers had failed to empathize with the North Vietnamese because they viewed their efforts in Cold War terms.
    a) True
    b) False
15. McNamara pointed out that it was the ability to empathize with Kruschev’s predicament that allowed JFK’s advisors to open channels with Moscow and avert nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
    a) True
    b) False
16. In forty years someone will interview Donald Rumsfeld.
    a) How Should I know?
    b) I hope so.
    c) What’s your point?
17. WMD stands for
    a) Weapons of Mass Destruction
    b) War Mongering Demagogues 
    c) Kurdish anagram for “Hans Blix Can Kiss My Butt.”
    d) We Meant Democracy (as the reason to go to war).
18. Choose one: Dear Jon is a___
    a) Freaking liberal peacenik.
    b) Some kind of fringe-party wacko.
    c) Canadian.
    d) Humorist?
19. Choose one: It is the federal government’s responsibility too:
    a) Make sure everyone is healthy, wealthy, and wise.
    b) Make sure everyone is educated, dedicated, and loyal.
    c) Make sure everyone has a fair share.
    d) Make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to do.
    e) Make sure that the common defense is an adequate deterrent to aggressors, cultivate peaceful relations abroad for positive free trade environments, and otherwise let people live free.
20. The general welfare is best promoted by the federal government when it
    a) Increases taxes, expands regulations, enlarges entitlements.
    b) Decreases taxes, diminishes regulations, reduces its role as a market force.
    c) Punishes private education.
    d) Fights wars
    e) Accrues the largest budget deficits in history.
Answer Key: If you need an answer key to know which of these answers are right and which are wrong, you are a twit. I encourage you to read through the Constitution of the United States. Also, catching a news broadcast every now and then is helpful.
Otherwise, you have answered these questions based on your knowledge of current events and your own presuppositions, whether those are Fascist, Socialist, Liberal, Moderate, Neo-Conservative, Libertarian, or anarchic. If you are anything other than a Liberal, Moderate, or Neo-Conservative, you have no realistic options in the coming Presidential election. If you really are a moderate, which I believe most people are, I hope you are finding this difficult to stomach.

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