Contact Us    
Spam Wonderful Spam

Sort 263 In the News.

by Dear Jon
April 27, 2004

Bookmark and Share


Dear Jon,

What are the best news sources (among TV programs, newspapers, magazines, internet, etc.)?

-News Junkie
Dear Junk,
The best news source is e-mail. Specifically, e-mail with a subject line that begins fw: fw: fw: fw: and has been sent to you by an acquaintance who has included you in a list of seventy-five other best friends, in-laws and sales leads. The e-mail originates by someone who has taken the pains to write out the experiences of their cousin’s employer, who swears that the story is all true.
From this kind of e-mail we have learned such important news items as that Congress plans to tax e-mail, and that a boy in England needs a liver transplant, and that Microsoft Inc. is giving away free trips to Disney World. You can also take heart and DO something about these issues. For example, thanks to e-mail, you can boycott British Petroleum®, Taco Bell®, McDonalds®, Nike®, and Universal Studios®.
If it weren’t for you being so conscientious as to pass this important news and information along to your mass e-mail lists, some people who live in remote areas might never hear about it. Because, of course, you cannot trust the “traditional” news outlets with all of their corporate interests to spread these facts.
It is true that all of this has been debunked a zillion times. Key words such as “Urban Legends” will bring you to internet sites that burst these hoaxes apart. You might think that Dear Jon is just joining the chorus of sarcasm. Think no more! “They” don’t want you to know the TRUTH. So keep spamming. Your friends, whom you do not otherwise see except at class reunions, will one day thank you for it. Or they will admit to you that you were right all along.
In my experience, the only statements more trustworthy than what I read in my e-mail, are the press releases put out by Yassir Arafat’s compound. Now there is an objective view of the facts. Not in 20 years, since the USSR announced their premier had the flu but was strong as an ox, have we gotten such information as what originates with various public leaders in the region. News from Hamas, news from Al Qaeda, it all reeks of the same integrity.
I’m waiting for someone from the Palestinian Authority to tell us that Arafat has the flu but is healthy as a horse. I should live so long.
Otherwise, watch the “Weather Channel,” “C-Span” and CNN. This way you will be up to speed on air temperature, the spin being put on the facts by the major political alternatives in the nation’s capital, and a “typical American” point of view. To stretch yourself, also tune in to BBC broadcasts. They are in English, so you can understand  them, but they are NOT American. Occasionally they raise perspectives that do not occur to anyone on the US channels.

Dear Jon,
What do you do when you are trying to milk an idea, but the milk runs dry?
Bored with this News Thread
Dear News,
I try to find another angle on it. For example, I invent another question I can answer in order to put a new spin on the subject.

Dear Jon,
What do you do when you run out of comedic angles on an idea, and you get a case of the flop sweats while you’re typing, which is, like, really pathetic?
Need a Shower
Dear Shower,
I give up and sleep on it. But when I sleep on it the night of a deadline, what I have written I have written.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Spam Wonderful Spam
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18
Responding to Those Who Suffer
Lessons from Job when tragedy strikes
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/29/18
Grieving for a Friend
Mourning the death of Pastor Eugene Peterson
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/26/18
The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18
So Who are We to Judge?
A timely question
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/4/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top