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Diet Pizza

Sort 267 investigates the conspiracy behind pizza suppression.

by Dear Jon
June 1, 2004

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon

Since pizza covers the 4 food group (dairy, meat, vegetable, and grain) why isn't it a bigger part of diets? Surely this is a "wonder" food, if I ever heard of one!

Sincerely,
Pizza Guy
 
Dear Pizza,
 
The answer to this mystery strikes at the heart of who we are as human beings. Pizza is a great food: it is delicious, it is attractive, it is fun to eat, it contains the 4 food groups, it is a kid-pleaser. And this means that you, who wrote this letter, are automatically a man. I can tell by the rational logic.
 
What you, a man, must now realize is that if something is fun for you and the kids, it is, by its very nature, either wrong, dangerous, or immature. This is a Rule. This is the answer to the mystery: “Why aren’t pizzas featured in diet plans?”
 
Being a man, you have not yet gotten the hint. I will give you two more hints, and then I will spell it out.
 
Why, in your experience, are diets chosen? Diets are chosen for their discipline, they are chosen for punishment, they are chosen because failure is accompanied by guilt as it should be, they are chosen because the dieter is feeling guilty for enjoying too much of life and believes the discipline and punishment are in order.
 
Who, in your experience, diets?
 
You, a man, are answering “Gay people and athletes.” This is because you are a clueless dolt, and I will now spell out the solution to the mystery.
 
Everyone knows that people who diet are women. This, again, is a broad generalization, since athletes and models and actors and dancers, across the spectrum of gender confusion, are known to diet. However, 90 percent of people on diets are women.
 
Will women on a diet eat pizza? Or, put another way, will women on a diet eat chocolate ice cream? The answer is, of course they will! They’re starving and they want to have a little fun too, sometimes, but they will only eat it in moderation and only by promising to feel very VERY guilty.
 
The assurance of a man that eating pizza while on a diet is okay, is met by the classic female expression called “exasperation.” This is where the eyes are rolled toward the sky, and a clicking sound is made on the tongue before a heavy sigh. The woman then accuses the man, whether a brother, boy-friend, or husband, of “not helping.”
 
The man, of course, is in a perpetual state of confusion about what is helpful and what is not. The best strategy for a man is to check whether the woman’s eyes are rolling skyward, and if so, to announce that he remembers something in the garage, where he will spend the next three hours in his search.
 
Men think that pizza is a great food. If prepared in advance it is one of the easiest dinners to be had, and, the children will not complain. The man in the garage was trying to be helpful.
 
The rules, however, are made by women. Every woman knows by instinct that if their kids or their husbands enjoy something, there is something in that something which is bad. Pizza must be bad. It is probably morally wrong to eat pizza, because it tastes too good. Only childish people, immature people, would want to please themselves so much as to choose to eat pizza. Considering all the other ways that husbands and children tend to exhibit, in general, childishness, the desire for pizza must fit that profile.
 
So, pizza is bad because men and children like it. It must not be included in diet plans. It must be one of those things where the dieting woman allows herself to “cheat.” Cheating is another way to feel very VERY guilty about oneself.
 
On the other hand, and this is very important, if everyone else were as guilt-ridden and committed to discipline, the woman would not keep back-sliding. So really, that she eats two scoops of chocolate ice cream every day at 3 PM and 9 PM is EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT. This is not a way for the woman to deny herself her guilt, heavens no! A day without guilt would be—well—it would be like a day without chocolate ice cream, can you imagine? Instead, the presence of pizza in the house, where kids and husband are happy while Mom is coping with another broccoli salad, means that EVERYONE IS GUILTY. They are guilty for eating PIZZA which is bad bad bad, since their childish fun creates the environment where she cheats.
 
Whereas men wonder why anyone should feel guilty, unless they really screw up, like if they send cruise missiles to the wrong embassy, women want everyone to share everyone else’s guilt. Women believe that guilt-sharing is the key to growing up.
 
My father-in-law has yet to grow up. This morning he was pestering his wife for an oatmeal cookie before lunch. She never gave it to him, of course, because she is mature and knows better and let him know that he should feel guilty for not knowing better. But when I don’t grow up I know I am going to be just like him. I think I left my day planner in the garage.

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