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Kings, Presidents, and Beer.

by Dear Jon
June 15, 2004

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,
 
I am a 23 year old Hispanic male. I always had a full head of thick hair. A few weeks ago I noticed my hair line is slightly thinning in the temples. I am also slightly losing hair near my scalp. What is happening to me? I can’t afford to lose my precious hair. My father has a full head of hair so does my mother. The only explanation I can think of as far as genetics goes, is that my grandfather and all of my uncles have no hair on their head on my mother's side of the family. Please tell me if I’m really losing my hair!
 
Dear Baldy,
 
Yup.

 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Should the next President change China's "most favored nation" status to an "evil empire?" It seemed to work for Reagan against the Soviet Union.

Cold War fan
 
Dear Fan,
 
Yup. 
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is the Miller/Budweiser ad campaign about the "President of Beers" the stupidest ad campaign ever? Doesn't everyone drink imported beers or stuff from micro-breweries anyway?

Beer Snob
 
Dear Snob,
 
Yup, and, Nope.
 
There are several reasons why the President of Beers campaigns are really dumb. It begins with Miller® wanting to be “President of Beers” since Budweiser® already claims it is the “King of Beers.”
 
1. For all that the President represents a personality cult in the United States, the fact is, Presidents are fads. They are loved and then they are hated. They are approved and then they are disapproved. The best of them cannot be President longer than eight years. So why would any consumer company want to claim it has become the “President” over all competing products in the marketplace? That company is just admitting that they are a fad, subject to disapproval and hatred down the road.
 
Hence we have Burger King® as opposed to Burger President. Kings rule. There is little anybody can do about that, short of upheaval and revolution. Kings are not mere fads. They can be depended on to be around after four and even eight years.
 
2. Budweiser® ran a counter-ad objecting to Miller’s campaign on constitutional grounds. After all, ha ha, Miller is owned by a company in South Africa. What they fail to explain is how on earth the “King of anything” can object to rival claims to the presidency on the grounds of the Constitution of the United States. Hello? Am I the only one who sees how that is completely illogical?
 
Of course this is all a big joke by the two beer companies, but the two beers cannot even agree on what the joke is about. If, on the other hand, the viewing public has been subjected to a joint advertising campaign where we are all supposed to see the silliness in an American King objecting to a South African President, I say the humor in it is either too subtle or too lame. In other words, I don’t think they get it.
 
Not everyone drinks beers from micro-breweries or other countries. I find a lot more Coors®, Miller® and Budweiser® at my family unions than I find Becks® or Fosters® or Guinness®.
 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is a Florida team winning the Stanley Cup a sure sign the end times are upon us?

Sincerely,
Fantana
 
Dear Fantana,
 
A Florida team winning the Stanley Cup is a sign of the global marketplace. Some people view a global marketplace as a sign of the end-times. I do not agree. I think a global marketplace is better for everyone.
 
All my Canadianism is by nurture rather than by nature, and I have been nurtured to fuss at the thought of people in beach attire attending games in ice rinks. On the other hand, I would like to know how many players in Tampa Bay are Canadian by birth. My guess is there are a lot more Canadians playing hockey in Tampa Bay than there are playing football or baseball.

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