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Twenty-Seventh Sort

Where can a nice girl meet a good guy?

by Dear Jon
February 26, 2001

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Twenty-Seventh Sort_Dear Jon-Where can a nice girl meet a good guy? Dear Jon,
How do you manage to keep pace with all your deadlines that the Webmaster gives you, even though the Webmaster blows off your article and publishes it a day late?
Sincerely,
Procrastinator.


Dear Procrastinator,
To be perfectly honest, it is a lot easier to keep up with deadlines when Dear Jon receives ACTUAL LETTERS. What happens is, I check my e-mail every day, wondering first of all, if anyone needs my advice. And then I wonder if anyone needs to rag on me. And then I wonder if anyone actually reads the PO. By the time it gets to be Sunday, 8 PM or so, and I realize that checking my e-mail for 3 days has not magically produced any ACTUAL LETTERS, it occurs to me that I had better be creative, quick. The whole cycle repeats itself by Wednesday night.


Dear Jon,
Instead of getting on your soap-box about people not writing, why don't you get back to your roots, like your tormented sexual confusion?
Sincerely,
An Old Fan.


Dear Old, That's a great idea.


Dear Jon,
You know how Freud suggested the Oedipal Complex, about how young boys want to read ancient Greek plays until they go blind? I just want to let you know, I don't struggle with that.
Sincerely,
A Perfectly Normal Person


Dear Normal, You haven't adopted the name "Normal" based on any recent t.v. series starring John Goodman, have you?


Dear Jon,
I read the poetry from Jon Deer last week, and I just wanted to let you know how moved I was. Also, I find you very sensitive and kind for giving Jon Deer his big break. I am attracted to sensitivity and kindness. I just wanted to let you know that I adore you and fantasize about meeting you.
Sincerely,
A Nubile Female and Potential Groupie.


Dear Groupie,
I sure wish yours was an "Actual Letter." But I need to let you know, I'm a faithfully committed married male. (FCMM)


Dear Jon,
Do you have enough content to cover this submission yet?
Sincerely,
Anally Retentive Legalist


Dear Retentive,
Almost. In your next letter, which might come soon if my inbox continues to be empty, describe your potty training to me and I will see if I can give you some advice about loosening up.


Dear Jon,
Where can a nice girl meet a good guy?
Sincerely,
Nice and Single Girl


Dear Nice,
You have probably tried the internet by now and realized it is a dry well, and people should stay away from wells. This will be the hardest thing in the world, but actually, a nice and single girl who smiles and talks will be asked out. I'm not saying shy girls won't date. I am saying that lots of girls who think they are shy communicate that they are snobs. So if you are shy, you need to somehow communicate that you are not a snob who will gaze balefully down your nose at the poor jerk who tries to get near you.

This means taking the risk of smiling at guys, asking something normal like "How are you" and then caring about the answer. I know... Nothing's that easy. But the fact is, guys are desperate to meet girls who won't humiliate them. You've noticed that on those "datelines" and "singles meet singles" phone lines, that women can always talk for free? This is because men flock to these services because they hate to be shot down and made to feel like idiots. I'm serious about this: A smile from a girl is a fantastic ice-breaker.


Confidential to Fs: Oh. Oops. Well like I have said since the beginning, there is a HUGE caveat on my opinions, and that's the closest Dear Jon can
say to "I'm sorry" without betraying my image of jaded know-it-all macho cynicism. Hope the bleeding stops soon, Pancho! Heh heh heh. Ahem. NEXT QUESTION ....

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PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

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