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The Michael Moore Conspiracy

Sort 274 also teaches men how to choose the woman to marry.

by Dear Jon
August 31, 2004

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I see where your column was unpublished because of "technical difficulties." Was it "them" again?

Spooked by Spooks
 
Dear Spook,
 
Although I’m generally disposed to paranoia, common sense tells me that if those that are “them” are leaving Mike Moore alone, they are probably leaving me alone too. Unless Mike Moore is one of “them,” a theory I am about to test:
 
Mike Moore is a slandering hypocrite, a truth-spinner and fear monger of a different but just as insidious ilk as the regime which he targets with his invective.

 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

In perusing your Encyclopedia of Stuff People Need to Know I happened to take note of an entry for Augustana College. This is well and good, but prompted me to go immediately to the Ns to see what bit of information was entered under North Park University. Imagine my surprise to learn that no such entry existed! Is this merely an oversight? After all North Park is the Alma Mater of former Illinois Governor Big Jim Thompson, the wife and children of Super Bowl winning football coach Mike Holmgren, and at least half of the contributors of this e-mag, including its editor. Don't you think it merits a mention? As an alumnus myself I would suggest that the world needs to know about good ol' NPU.

Signed

Better Dead than an Augie Doggie
 
Dear Dead,
 
Your complaint has been addressed. However, I don’t plan to write any article about Elmhurst because this is an encyclopedia only for stuff people need to know.

 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What is the best way to make up one's mind about the type of person you want to marry?

Sincerely,
Unmarried so far
 
Dear Far,
 
As with most answers, it all depends. I am going to begin, first of all, by assuming that you fit the profile of most Dear Jon readers, which is, that you are a guy. This is a safe assumption since you are talking about making up “one’s mind.” This business of a guy making up his “mind” is what frustrates so many single women whose boyfriends struggle with “commitment.” It is also safe to assume because your query is very brief and not nuanced at all. Had the letter been from a woman, it would have come with a complete case history of herself and her significant other of the past four years, and would have included such relevant details as “he hasn’t told me he loved me since Valentine’s Day, and that was just because it was written on a candy heart.”
 
Second, I am going to assume that, by “marry,” you mean what has been meant for thousands of years across all cultures, rather than what has been meant for the past two years by a handful of mayors and judges in Massachusetts and California.
 
Guys make up their “minds” about marrying types according to their biological chronology.
 
At the age of 12: Supermodels discovered in the glossy lingerie advertisements of the Sunday newspaper help the young lad envision what marriage will one day be like. The future wife will look much like the red-head on page three in the black fish-net garters, she will be a completely faithful nymphomaniac, she will cook as good as Grandma and she will LOVE to spend evenings playing computer games and eating chocolate ice cream. There is exactly one facet to this fantasy which is realistic.
 
Now then, in this column I have scolded many 30-something bachelors who appear to have this pubescent dream locked in their heads. Guys, get over it.
 
At the age of 20: Maturity comes to those who wait. By the first semester of your junior year you have figured out that “real” women are much more interesting than underwear models. You don’t want to marry a bubble-brained doll You want to marry a woman with ideas, who is as committed as you are to the eventual final victory of the proletariat and the eventual legalization of marijuana.
 
Caution: Be on the alert for those women who have just learned in class that being a male is a crime.
 
At the age of 25: Still not married, the former idealist has a job selling accounting applications to mid-size businesses, and has come to the reasonable conclusion that most people can solve their own problems if they just shut up and get a job already. Women? Oh yeah. Women are nice. You know. Whatever happens happens.
 
The typical 25 year-old single man has the typical 25 year-old single woman ready to strangle him.
 
At the age of 30: Marriage? Are you kidding? I’ve been laid off for two years! My car got repo’d and I had to move back to my parents’ place!
 
This fellow needs to give women more credit. He has grown up since high school and so have the women he would consider. It is true that economic downturns might discourage the decision to marry, but most women in that bracket can tell the difference between bad luck in a poor technology market versus chronic unemployability. Those that cannot tell the difference tend to drift to the chronics, anyway, and those kinds of co-dependents are not your type. Marriageable prospects are the kinds of laid-off guys who will find jobs again: they network, they have plans, they have friends. Being unemployed is no reason to drop out of the dating game.
 
At the age of 35: The ideal marriage is built on mutual respect, because we aren’t going to find much respect anywhere else in the world. I’d like to come home to peace and safety. That is why I’m not sure about my girl-friend of four years. She’s always shouting at me for not talking as much as she does and then she starts crying about it. Then when I tell her that I love her, she just thinks it’s because I want her to stop crying. (Sigh). I don’t want that stress, but I sure do want the companionship. (Sigh). Are the Eagles playing tonight? When are they going to find a quarterback? (Sigh). I hope I haven’t eaten all the pretzels.
 
Singles in their mid-30’s need to come around to the conclusion that males and females are wired differently. The single female needs to come to terms that most males have limited emotional attention spans. This is a mechanism to help the man avoid heart disease and ulcers. Women should not be surprised to find men asleep on the couch by the third quarter. Yes, our attention spans are limited, even for football games. Please don’t blame us and please don’t expect us to change. If you can love and respect a man with less turbulent emotional energy than you have, be prepared to be receive love and respect in return, at levels and depths that reach far beneath his stoic surface.
 
At the age of –
 
Excuse me. The sound of a helicopter overhead kept me from hearing the knock at the door. I’ll be right b

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