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When Dad Wants to Get Pregnant Again

Sort 275 also brings us the absolute, final, last word on New Coke II.

by Dear Jon
September 7, 2004

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Coke II is actually NEW COKE, renamed (see your letter from soda jerk on Feb 24, 2004). Coke discontinued production of this in late 2002 (Chicago was the last market). The country of Micronesia still produces it but in very small quantities). Some unopened cans of it can still be purchased from www.sodafavorites.com but it is $29.99 for a can or $89.99 for a 6 pack.

Steve
 
Dear Steve,
 
Thank you for finally putting the issue to rest.
 
Since Coke II has brought such a return per can, I am considering investing in several cases of low-carb Coke.

 
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

How soon after birth should a man talk to his wife about having more kids?

Sincerely,
Dad of one
 
Dear Dad,
 
I would think most women, clinging tightly to the bundle of joy in their arms, would be receptive about having another child as quickly as possible.
 
I need to keep in mind, however, the timing of your letter. If you are writing from a lap-top in the delivery room just hours after your child is born, you might still be in the “look what I did!” stage of euphoria. This stage wears off approximately after the third diaper change and one sleepless night of trying to get the baby to eat.
 
If you are writing after the child has been home for a couple weeks, and you, a man, are still eager for another child, it must mean that your first child has not changed your mojo very much. In other words, your first child is “cool,” a self-dependent type.
 
For a man, a “cool” baby is one that sleeps most of the time including through the night and especially in the late evening when Mom and Dad need to be “alone,” spits up only on the blanket, needs diaper changes only when Dad is unavailable, and coos politely when signaling a need, such as, for food.
 
However, from a woman’s point of view there are some issues about which you, as a man, should be sensitive.
 
1. Was the pregnancy complicated?
 
A complicated pregnancy would be one in which, for example, the woman had to be bedridden, or had acquired gestational diabetes, or had a change in appetite so that she no longer enjoyed your “movie-style” microwave popcorn and demanded that you stock the refrigerator with jars of pickled beats.
 
2. Was the birth by c-section?
 
Surgery will take longer to recover from than natural child-birth. Medical advice will be involved in the timing of a second child.
 
3. Does the new child look like your side of the family, or her side of the family, or like a lizard from another planet?
 
A cute baby can be followed-up sooner. A cute baby looks like HER side of the family, by the way. If the baby has your Dad’s nose and your Mom’s ears, your wife might be less enthusiastic about having a second child very soon.
 
4. Does the new baby sleep most of the time, including through the night?
 
A sweet-tempered baby can be followed-up sooner. Keep in mind, though, that if a sweet temper is ground staked out by your first child, your second child will need to establish a separate identity. This means that your second child will spawn its temper directly from Hell.
 
This wisdom does not come from experience. Advice givers do not rely on experience—how can we? The world of experience is much too broad for any one person to live it all. However, common sense allows us to render advice on all subjects. My source on this wisdom concerning the second child comes from blending three sources:
 
First, Jesus Christ, who tells the story of a “younger son” who becomes a “prodigal son” (in Luke Chapter 15. Anyone who has ever been to Sunday School for longer than four weeks knows this story.) This total loser still manages to weasel his way back into Dad’s good side despite the carefully reasoned objections of the older brother, confirming in the words of the Son of God that which most Oldest Siblings have always known to be true—that life is inherently unfair and the little kids get spoiled. (In all fairness, Jesus might have been trying to make a different point, especially in the lecture that the father gives the older brother. I point out, however, that nowhere does the younger brother get any kind of lecture. Not that I’m bitter about anything; I’m just stating the facts.) Second. Dr. Kevin Lehman, an expert on “birth order;” and third, Dr. Bill Cosby, who in a comedy routine refers to his second child as “Baalzebub.”
 
5. Does your lizard from another planet scream to wake the dead?
 
If so, I can’t imagine that you would be excited to have a second baby, either.
 
6. How quickly can your wife return to her sexy pre-birthing weight and shape?
 
A man needs to be sensitive to this issue by never EVER bringing this up.

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