Home
Loading
  Contact Us    
Thirty-First Sort

Dear Jon retitles famous literature.

by Dear Jon
March 12, 2001

Bookmark and Share


Thirty-First Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon retitles famous literature. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon,

I am not a fan of Emily Dickenson, nor do I like Axel Rose, so I do not consider myself as a cross between these two people and Robert Frost. I like to consider myself more of a cross between Michael Palin, John Lennon, and Robert Frost. I am not some spinster sitting in my attic room writing about "Wild Nights," nor have I ever caused a riot in Montreal because I refused to go on stage after Metallica's lead singer lit himself on fire.

Sincerely,
S.E. Shepherd


Dear S.E.,

So....are you saying that you HAVE taken naked pictures of yourself, imagined there's no Heaven, and tripped on LSD?


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon,

"Ciderhouse Ghouls"? To quote a true masterpiece, The Music Man, "Excuse me for living, but I never read it." ELW


Dear ELW, I was making fun of Irving's "Ciderhouse Rules," in which an idealistic young doctor finally realizes that the only moral thing to do is perform an abortion on a girl who is her father's own mistress. Irving turned it into a movie and for which he won the academy award for best adapted screen play. I am 99% sure that it was John Irving, but the last 1% is not worth it to me to look up because I don't have time. While we're on the subject, EL, wouldn't a novel published on the internet be more aptly titled "Virtual Things"?

Here are some other suggestions for changing titles:

To get a wider audience for "South Pacific" in Japan, rename it: "Heroic Japanese Warriors Wreak Divine Vengeance on Child-Molesting U.S. Navy Lieutenent."

Change "Death of a Salesman" to "America Sucks!" by Arthur Miller.

Change "All My Sons" to "America Really Sucks!" by Arthur Miller.

Change "Streetcar Named Desire" to "My Own Sick, Tormented Soul" by Tennessee Williams.

Change "The Wasteland" to "I Don't Know What This Means Either," by T.S. Eliot.

Change "Romeo and Juliet" to "Not Even Walt Disney Studios Would Dare to Change This Ending," by William Shakespeare.

Change "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" to "Drew Carey Can't Improv, Either."

Change "X-Files" to "What's the Point With Mulder Gone?"

Change "Survivor Two: Australian Outback" to "Let's Throw These Network Producers Into Pits of Live Cobras And Watch Them Kick and Jump On Each Other To Get Out Ha Ha Ha."

Change "NASCAR" to "Deathrace 2001: You Thought It was Just a Video Game!"

Send YOUR lists of "New Titles" to Dear Jon. You know how it works. If you're my friend, I publish them. If I don't know you, they have to be good.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon,

What a coincidence that in addressing my letter (Looong on Justice) you would mention a movie I actually saw: "Apocalypse Now." What you didn't get was that I was not seeking revenge on myself, but a suggestion of what I could do to someone else. After reading your advice, including the rude interruption by the Web-fingered Master, I think I have reached an
appropriately vicious chastisement for him. As the earliest opportunity, I will sentence him to a watch an uncut triple feature of "Love Story", "The Bridges of Madison County", and "Titanic". Or if I learn that happy endings are even more distasteful to him, I would substitute the likes of "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've Got Mail".

Thank you for your inspiration.
It's a LOOONG Way to Justice


Dear Justice,

Clearly your warped mind has devised a cruel and unusual punishment for any male living. The coldness makes me shudder. I could scarcely wish this even on the Webmaster. But I can never be outdone by my readers, so I have to prove myself even more sadistic, and propose this: That instead of an uncut triple feature, he be forced to watch all five movies, one movie per evening of a Yankees World Series.

(0 Comments)
Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*


Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Location:


Comments:*
Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.



Verification:
Please type the letters you see above.

  Printer-Friendly

Bookmark and Share


PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
EMAIL ALERTS
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Thirty-First Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
Finally
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)


RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Salvator Mundi
Not the painting but the Person
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/17
When the Newsman Becomes News
Lamenting yet another fallen hero
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/1/17
Let's Hear It for Moms and Pops
Celebrating Small Business Saturday in a very personal way
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/22/17
An Earthquake in La La Land
Examining what's been exposed in the rubble
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/17/17
Where is God?
Reflecting on the tragedy in a little Texas town
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/10/17
An All Saints Day Tribute
Remembering those who left us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/3/17
A Mighty Fortress was His God
Remembering the legacy of Martin Luther 500 years later
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/27/17

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.


RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2017 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top