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Dear Jon retitles famous literature.

by Dear Jon
March 12, 2001

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Thirty-First Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon retitles famous literature. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon,

I am not a fan of Emily Dickenson, nor do I like Axel Rose, so I do not consider myself as a cross between these two people and Robert Frost. I like to consider myself more of a cross between Michael Palin, John Lennon, and Robert Frost. I am not some spinster sitting in my attic room writing about "Wild Nights," nor have I ever caused a riot in Montreal because I refused to go on stage after Metallica's lead singer lit himself on fire.

S.E. Shepherd

Dear S.E.,

So....are you saying that you HAVE taken naked pictures of yourself, imagined there's no Heaven, and tripped on LSD?


Dear Jon,

"Ciderhouse Ghouls"? To quote a true masterpiece, The Music Man, "Excuse me for living, but I never read it." ELW

Dear ELW, I was making fun of Irving's "Ciderhouse Rules," in which an idealistic young doctor finally realizes that the only moral thing to do is perform an abortion on a girl who is her father's own mistress. Irving turned it into a movie and for which he won the academy award for best adapted screen play. I am 99% sure that it was John Irving, but the last 1% is not worth it to me to look up because I don't have time. While we're on the subject, EL, wouldn't a novel published on the internet be more aptly titled "Virtual Things"?

Here are some other suggestions for changing titles:

To get a wider audience for "South Pacific" in Japan, rename it: "Heroic Japanese Warriors Wreak Divine Vengeance on Child-Molesting U.S. Navy Lieutenent."

Change "Death of a Salesman" to "America Sucks!" by Arthur Miller.

Change "All My Sons" to "America Really Sucks!" by Arthur Miller.

Change "Streetcar Named Desire" to "My Own Sick, Tormented Soul" by Tennessee Williams.

Change "The Wasteland" to "I Don't Know What This Means Either," by T.S. Eliot.

Change "Romeo and Juliet" to "Not Even Walt Disney Studios Would Dare to Change This Ending," by William Shakespeare.

Change "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" to "Drew Carey Can't Improv, Either."

Change "X-Files" to "What's the Point With Mulder Gone?"

Change "Survivor Two: Australian Outback" to "Let's Throw These Network Producers Into Pits of Live Cobras And Watch Them Kick and Jump On Each Other To Get Out Ha Ha Ha."

Change "NASCAR" to "Deathrace 2001: You Thought It was Just a Video Game!"

Send YOUR lists of "New Titles" to Dear Jon. You know how it works. If you're my friend, I publish them. If I don't know you, they have to be good.


Dear Jon,

What a coincidence that in addressing my letter (Looong on Justice) you would mention a movie I actually saw: "Apocalypse Now." What you didn't get was that I was not seeking revenge on myself, but a suggestion of what I could do to someone else. After reading your advice, including the rude interruption by the Web-fingered Master, I think I have reached an
appropriately vicious chastisement for him. As the earliest opportunity, I will sentence him to a watch an uncut triple feature of "Love Story", "The Bridges of Madison County", and "Titanic". Or if I learn that happy endings are even more distasteful to him, I would substitute the likes of "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've Got Mail".

Thank you for your inspiration.
It's a LOOONG Way to Justice

Dear Justice,

Clearly your warped mind has devised a cruel and unusual punishment for any male living. The coldness makes me shudder. I could scarcely wish this even on the Webmaster. But I can never be outdone by my readers, so I have to prove myself even more sadistic, and propose this: That instead of an uncut triple feature, he be forced to watch all five movies, one movie per evening of a Yankees World Series.

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