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Thirty-Second Sort

Dear Jon and his readers offer more title changes.

by Dear Jon
March 15, 2001

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Thirty-Second Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon and his readers offer more title changes. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Looong presents five titles based on last week's

"That's My LOVE STORY and I'm Stickin' To It"

"Hold Onto Your Britches in Madison County"

"Titanic: The Mother of all Survivor Shows"

"Restless in Seattle" (sponsorship for new release by the World Trade Organization)

"You Got Your Male"

Dear Readers: Keep these new titles coming. Since this is all I have for this week's column, I might as well lengthen the list with movies and plays I have not watched and books I have not read, and some I have.

"Eyes Wide Shut" becomes "Nicole Kidman NAKED!"
Runner-up: "Cruise is Crazy to Divorce This."

"American Beauty" becomes "Americans are Stupid"

"David Copperfield" becomes "Another of My Formula Novels" by Charles Dickens.

"Hedda Gabler" Becomes "Norway Sucks" by Henrik Ibsen.

"A Doll's House" becomes "Norway REALLY Sucks" by Henrik Ibsen

"Don Quixote" becomes "What's With 'To Dream The Impossible Dream'? This Guy Is Supposed to Be an IDIOT!" by Cervantes.

"I Love Lucy" becomes "Life Sure Was Simpler When Chauvinism was Funny."

"The Hunch-back of Notre Dame" becomes "Hey, All You 6 Year-Old Disney Video Viewers: Did You Know Quasimodo DIES? Heh heh heh heh!"

"Les Miserables" becomes "Oh Yeah, Fyodor? We French Had it Worse!" by Victor Hugo.

"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" becomes "What Happens When We Stop Spanking Naughty Kids."

"Dear Jon" becomes "More Stream of Thought Before the Deadline in the Absence of Readers With Real Questions."

The Partial Observer becomes: "Wanted: Women. Wait! It's Not What You Think, because It's What You Think that Matters! No no no, it's all coming out wrong. What I mean is ... is ... uh ... drat."

Other Title Changes, Submitted by PO Poet Laureate S.E. Shepherd:

Change "Hamlet" to "Those Crazy Danes" by William Shakespeare.

Change "Of Mice and Men" to "The Depression Sucked" by John Steinbeck

Change "Grapes of Wrath" to "The Depression Really Sucked!" by John Steinbeck

Change "Jurassic Park" to "Don't Clone the Dinosaurs!" by Michael Crichton

Change UPN to "Now that 'Star Trek: Voyager' is over, no one will watch us" Network.

Change "WWF Smackdown" to "Please kids, don't try this at home. Better yet, find something else to watch."

I sincerely hope the last one does get changed.

S.E. Shepherd

Dear S.E.

Thank you for contributing to my list of "title changes." Because you clearly have an appetite for it, here are a few more suggestions.

Change "Unforgiven" to "An Allegory of Clint Eastwood's Hollywood Experience, Not That He's Bitter."

For Main-Line Protestant Churches and Reformed Judaism: Change "The Ten Commandments" to "10 Pretty Good Non-binding Culturally Specific Life-Style Choices."

For the Supreme Court: Change the "Constitution of the United States" to "Some Okay Non-binding Ideas from the Millieu of Enlightenment Chauvinism
That Do Not Concern Whether Government Should Be Restrained Today."

For Paranoid Survivalist Militias: Change the slogan "Better DEAD Than RED!" to "Better DEAD Than FED!" Nothing threatens existence like not having an enemy, right?

For the NRA: Change "Guns Don't Kill People: People Kill People" to "Guns Don't Kill Children: Children Kill Children." Have to stay up-to-date, you know.

Change the Statue of Liberty to "Send Us Your Professionals, Your Wealthy, Your Educated."

Change the Pledge of Allegiance to "with liberty and justice for professionals, the wealthy, and the educated; otherwise we take the arresting officer's word for it, scumbag."

Change National Public Radio to "The Ongoing Triumph Of the People's Revolution!"

Change "Prairie Home Companion" to "Funny Thing Is, I'm A Liberal, But Only White People Get My Jokes. Hmmm."

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