Where you can have your cake and eat it too.
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
I've decided to run as a candidate for the Birthday Party. No platform. Everything is on the level, and if it's nice outside the issues will all be out in the open. No undecipherable rhetoric, no hidden agenda. Just drinks, food, games, and of course, lots of presents. How do I start my campaign?
I hate to tell you, but you are a little late to enter the 2004 election. However, it is never too early to begin running for next time. So, here are my suggestions on how you can get the Birthday Party started.
1. Register your party. Many birthday parties register at Toys R Us®, but I am talking about obtaining legal status for your political activism.
2. Choose your office. Are you running for President? Congress? A state office? Local government? The list of elected offices is nearly endless. In fact, you could even run to be a judge.
3. It is fine that you do not have a platform. You will need slogans, however. Here are a few slogans. If you choose to use them, send $35.00 care of Dear Jon to the Partial Observer for unlimited rights.
“The Birthday Party: Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too.”
“The Birthday Party: Everyone’s Invited.”
“The Birthday Party: Make a Wish, We’ll Make it Come True!”
“The Birthday Party: Where Your Gifts are Tax-Deductible.”
“The Birthday Party: Because Republican and Democrat Parties Suck.”
4. With your slogans worked out, you will need to make promises. Here are some promises. You do not need to pay me for these promises: You make these promises solely at your own risk.
To serve you better, we promise to burn the candles at both ends.
We will end “pork” spending. Instead of “pork” as a term for constituent bribery, we prefer to use the terms “presents,” “icing on the cake,” “frosting,” or “sprinkles.”
Instead of lengthy hearings on military appropriations, congressional committee members will be blind-folded and play the game “Pin the Armor on the Bradley Fighting Vehicle.”
Girls are welcome at the Birthday Party!
I solemnly promise that if elected, I will pass a law that games of “Spin the Bottle” may ONLY be played in mixed company!
5. You have legal standing, slogans and promises. All that remains is a wealthy benefactor, and a celebrity host for your California fund-raisers. To obtain star-power, you have to come out on the right side of a glamorous or sexy issue. I suggest you take a stand against the use of nuclear weapons in the War on Drugs. Include this paragraph in your speech:
“We can’t afford the short-cuts of nuking our inner city slums, even if it means an easy way to take out some schools that are failing to maintain No Child Left Behind standards. We can’t afford those short-cuts because the pollution problem would be made that much worse. If the Watts district in South Central Los Angeles became a blast zone, it might solve some tough problems, but at what cost? The radioactive cloud would almost surely trail northward into Beverly Hills: this would have the unintended consequence of making the good citizens of California sick, and possibly causing them to die.”
6. If you build enough momentum, the media will be forced to invite you to the candidate debates. You must have zingers prepared if you are going to debate effectively. Here are some examples of one-line put-downs that will propel you forward on the applause of the crowd and the gloating of pundits:
It is known that my opponent is so lazy, he’s asleep about a third of the time!
In response to your question about my strategy to fight terror, I just want to remind you that I am personally responsible for the deaths of about a hundred thousand cells every day.
“We heard just now what my opponent would like to do about the tremendous social problems of our times, but I have this to say: I just can’t believe that anyone would seriously propose nuking our inner cities.”
“To further prove my good will toward ALL citizens, I promise to have a Negro somewhere on my staff. Many of my closest friends and supporters are Negroid.”
“Air pollution is a problem, and my opponent has just made it worse.”
“I am with a Big Tent party that represents Middle Class values. How many Middle Class families can you think of that do NOT celebrate birthdays?”
“We are the party of patriots. For the Birthday Party, July 4th is the high point of every year.”
Well, Sty, it seems to me like you are ready to take on the world as a candidate for whatever. Good luck. I want a piece from the chocolate side.