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Thirty-Fourth Sort

Fear and Bodaciousness

by Dear Jon
March 22, 2001

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Thirty-Fourth Sort_Dear Jon-Fear and Bodaciousness AN ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Yo Letter Dude!

I think you're being way too harsh on people not opening with a greeting. To quote Shakespeare, "Me thinks thou doest protest a lot." Anyway, dude, I just want to say your column's rad! Oh yeah! My question is "What's the secret of McDonald's secret sauce?" Isn't it just salad dressing?

Most Bodaciously,
Surfer Dude

P.S. Partial Observer rocks!


To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for addressing your comments to the "Dear Jon" column at The Partial Observer. Unfortunately, your letter does not suit the needs of "Dear Jon" at this time. Thank you for reading The Partial Observer.

Sincerely,
The Columnist


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon: Is it just this one letter for this Thursday? I'll cut you some slack ... I'm going to hold off publishing your Thursday column until around around 9 AM. I'm holding off since it is unusual in case you were planning to write more. Let me know.

Sincerely, THE WEBMASTER


Master,

Please forgive me for not having anything worthy of publication today. I promise it will never happen again. Please, please DON'T hurt me this time.

Just to show you that I am keeping in good faith, Master, I will retract my rejection letter from that California Weed-head who wants to know about McDonalds. I did not think it was worthy of you, Master. Forgive me.

Ahem.

Dear Surfer Dude,

Your letter was like a total trip! "What do they put in McDonalds' Secret Sauce?" I don't know, man, but whatever they put in it for you, I'd like them to put in for me. Whoah! Trip out!

So that stuff I wrote at the top? A formal, stuffed-shirt rejection letter? Like a total joke, man. Ha ha. I'm nothing like that. Really. I'm totally laid back. Even Shakespeare wrote, "Wit is funny," or something like that. So anyway, Partial Observer Rocks! Rock On, Bodacious One!

Dear, Dear Master:

I think this column now meets specifications for length. I promise it will never happen again.

[The Webmaster responds: Sounds like SOMEONE is having a bad week. I entreat our readers to try to cheer up our poor, poor Dear Jon. Write a Dear Jon Letter today!]

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PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
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A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

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