Contact Us    
Dear Jon Prepares for 2005

With duct tape and Petroleum Savings Accounts.

by Dear Jon
December 28, 2004

Bookmark and Share

Dear Readers,

2004 is passing, and 2005 is on its way. With the kind of year we have had, the best advice, on the surface, might be to give up on the world and start on the Bio-terror Shelter Annex to your basement. But with Tom Ridge resigning, who can we turn to for wisdom in these frightening times? Should we follow Donald Rumsfeld's suggestion, and continue to declare war on foreign civilizations with "the army we have"?

1. My first prediction is that these and many other questions will not be answered in the year 2005. Among other problems no one will bother to solve:

2. An unfunded entitlement bill for prescriptions for seniors. We have no idea how we will pay for this, but that is okay, because we also have no idea:

3. Of how we will continue paying out social security benefits after approximately 15  more years.

4. With these economic crises pinching the purses of Congress's Neoconservative Majority (Motto: Reckless liberal spending combined with all the ethnophobic paranoia of free-basing Nazis, now YOURS for the next 2 years!) if anyone in Congress, anyone at all, points out the impossibilities and absurdities of No Child Left Behind in 2005, I, Dear Jon, promise to eat my socks.

5. Free elections in Iraq will occur. Approximately two seconds after the polls open, rival Islamicist factions will appear on Al Jazeera declaring the elections fraudulent.

6. The Palestinian Authority will continue to be a cesspool of chaos and dysfunction, for which Israel and the United States and Jews internationally will continue to be blamed.

7. In other words, the Middle East will continue in its current state, much as it has for about 80 years.

8. Evangelical Christians will continue to be defensive about President Bush, except Evangelicals for Social Action, a tiny group that receives no press, who will continue to burn President Bush in effigy.

9. As the nation tanks, liberals will become more and more smug. They can afford to be smug. Literally, they can AFFORD to be smug. Who are we talking about anyway? The Kennedy's and Kerry's. 

10. Democrats are going to start remembering the formula that Americans only elect the filthy rich if they speak with a drawl. Not that any of that will matter in 2005. It's all just buzz in the first year of the four-year cycle.

Wow. These predictions are all really sour and dour. Maybe I should lighten up a little. So here is the other side of the coin, my optimism for 2005.

1. I really believe that this year, the best team in the NFL will win the Super Bowl. (It doesn't always happen.)

2. Parents will continue to nurture their children, who will continue to surprise us with their intuitions, abilities, and sophistication.

3. The European Community will continue to demonstrate to the world what can happen when ancient enemies begin to cooperate.

4. The vast majority of Muslims, Jews, and Christians of every denomination, along with secularists and humanists, philosphers and educators and most politicans, will continue to desire and strive for peace on earth and good will towards everyone.

5. Since these efforts, the "good news," are a lot more mundane and not all that thrilling, much will go unreported and ignored by history, which is really the only reason the optimistic predictions are half as long as the pessimistic.

In other words, Dear Reader, a wise Palestinian Jew once said, "the wheat and the weeds will grow abundant at the same time." That means that, in 2005, a lot of bad will happen, and a lot of good will happen. Of course, that man was nailed to a tree by people who did not care for his philosphy, but then again, lots of people believe he rose from the dead. That means there is a lot of truth to the saying about wheat and weeds, so it is in your heart to discover the truth in the well wishes of others who say, "Happy New Year."

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Dear Jon Prepares for 2005
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Remembering a Remarkable Bush
A Tribute to President George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/18
A Thousand Points of Light (Plus One)
Remembering George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/4/18
All I Want for Christmas
Confessions of a grief-stricken grinch
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/30/18
A Family Prayer for Thanksgiving
Contemplating our joys and sorrows as we gather
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/21/18
A Borderline Disorder
A prayer for our gun-crazed culture
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/16/18
Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top