Contact Us    
The Night Before

Clues on the good time you don't remember having.

by Dear Jon
January 11, 2005

Bookmark and Share


Dear Jon,

You come down pretty hard on hang-over sufferers. What is your view of the philosophy, "I must have had a good time because I don't remember it?"

Social Drinker
Dear Socialist,
The statement is akin to my saying to you, “I know it must have been a great article I wrote because I don’t remember what I said.” However, that is exactly what I am saying now: In a sort somewhere I do not have time to look up, I wrote out a list of some of the stupidest things I ever heard. I do not remember if I included this statement, but I should have.
Dr. Spin has the time to look up the Billy Joel song I am thinking of, but I believe it is called “Big Shot,” in which the song’s first person narrator is greatly offended by the drunken antics of a party-animal, and is confronting him the next day. The moral of the story: If you have such a good time you can’t remember it, you better hope no one else with you remembers it either.
Here are some clues that maybe the good time you don’t remember having was not such a good time after all:
1. You wake up the next morning on the floor of a strange house, stagger outside, and the first words to leave your lips are “Dude, where’s my car?”
2. The girl you brought to the party won’t return your calls, and neither will the girl who left with you.
3. The reason you know you are in a strange house, is that you cannot stagger outside at all; the deputy won’t let you out of the cell.
4. You wake up to realize you are strapped in to a strange bed, and the strange girl hovering over you is wearing a nurse’s lab coat.
5. The party you were at, which you don’t remember, was an office soiree, and on Monday morning you arrive at your cubicle to find a security guard waiting for you.
6. On waking up, the nasty surprise you discover is that in your drunken stupor you had dropped your clothes in the toilet before passing out on your bed, but that surprise is not ten percent as nasty as what you find when you open your laundry hamper.
7. The producer of the reality show "Cops" has left a message asking if you want your face blurred over.
8. A year later a stripper is suing you for paternity, and the DNA screening has you sweating over a test like you have not done since the spring semester of your senior year.
9. The fire department sends you a bill.
10. The party’s host takes out a restraining order; you can never again come within 500 feet of the house.
11. Word is circulating among junior high girls throughout the city that you are really a fun guy, and two detectives in your doorway want to know why.
12. A line has formed on your sidewalk that morning: police, then lawyers, then television reporters, and behind them an angry mob with picket signs.
13. You are on a first-name basis with the hospital’s critical care detox team because you spend more Sundays with them than you do at church. A lot more.
14. Some enormous guy in a white suit with large gold rings on his fingers shows up in your garage, reminding you that fun ain’t free, and you owe big money for the smack. You do not “remember” ever taking drugs in your life, except booze, because drugs are for low-lifes anyway. You are pretty sure the guy is crazy and has you confused with someone else, until he shows you the polaroids. Then he shows you the bill. You realize the only way to finance the good time you don’t remember having is to mortgage your house.
15. The other thing you don’t remember, is that your AA chapter had a meeting at the same time as the party you chose to attend instead, and now your accountability partner has left a message on your machine getting on your case big time.
16. You thought the ad campaign, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” meant care-free nihilistic fun, not that YOU would stay in Vegas at least until you could post bond.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
The Night Before
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18
So Who are We to Judge?
A timely question
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/4/18
Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright
An amazing comeback for a disgraced golfer
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/28/18
Bert and Ernie are Not Gay!
Attempting to make sense of a senseless claim
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/21/18
A Prayer for Hurricane Victims
Asking God to calm the storm
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/14/18
Are We Ready for Some Football?
A rhetorical question as the NFL season kicks off
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/7/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top