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The Night Before

Clues on the good time you don't remember having.

by Dear Jon
January 11, 2005

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

You come down pretty hard on hang-over sufferers. What is your view of the philosophy, "I must have had a good time because I don't remember it?"

Social Drinker
 
Dear Socialist,
 
The statement is akin to my saying to you, “I know it must have been a great article I wrote because I don’t remember what I said.” However, that is exactly what I am saying now: In a sort somewhere I do not have time to look up, I wrote out a list of some of the stupidest things I ever heard. I do not remember if I included this statement, but I should have.
 
Dr. Spin has the time to look up the Billy Joel song I am thinking of, but I believe it is called “Big Shot,” in which the song’s first person narrator is greatly offended by the drunken antics of a party-animal, and is confronting him the next day. The moral of the story: If you have such a good time you can’t remember it, you better hope no one else with you remembers it either.
 
Here are some clues that maybe the good time you don’t remember having was not such a good time after all:
 
1. You wake up the next morning on the floor of a strange house, stagger outside, and the first words to leave your lips are “Dude, where’s my car?”
 
2. The girl you brought to the party won’t return your calls, and neither will the girl who left with you.
 
3. The reason you know you are in a strange house, is that you cannot stagger outside at all; the deputy won’t let you out of the cell.
 
4. You wake up to realize you are strapped in to a strange bed, and the strange girl hovering over you is wearing a nurse’s lab coat.
 
5. The party you were at, which you don’t remember, was an office soiree, and on Monday morning you arrive at your cubicle to find a security guard waiting for you.
 
6. On waking up, the nasty surprise you discover is that in your drunken stupor you had dropped your clothes in the toilet before passing out on your bed, but that surprise is not ten percent as nasty as what you find when you open your laundry hamper.
 
7. The producer of the reality show "Cops" has left a message asking if you want your face blurred over.
 
8. A year later a stripper is suing you for paternity, and the DNA screening has you sweating over a test like you have not done since the spring semester of your senior year.
 
9. The fire department sends you a bill.
 
10. The party’s host takes out a restraining order; you can never again come within 500 feet of the house.
 
11. Word is circulating among junior high girls throughout the city that you are really a fun guy, and two detectives in your doorway want to know why.
 
12. A line has formed on your sidewalk that morning: police, then lawyers, then television reporters, and behind them an angry mob with picket signs.
 
13. You are on a first-name basis with the hospital’s critical care detox team because you spend more Sundays with them than you do at church. A lot more.
 
14. Some enormous guy in a white suit with large gold rings on his fingers shows up in your garage, reminding you that fun ain’t free, and you owe big money for the smack. You do not “remember” ever taking drugs in your life, except booze, because drugs are for low-lifes anyway. You are pretty sure the guy is crazy and has you confused with someone else, until he shows you the polaroids. Then he shows you the bill. You realize the only way to finance the good time you don’t remember having is to mortgage your house.
 
15. The other thing you don’t remember, is that your AA chapter had a meeting at the same time as the party you chose to attend instead, and now your accountability partner has left a message on your machine getting on your case big time.
 
16. You thought the ad campaign, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” meant care-free nihilistic fun, not that YOU would stay in Vegas at least until you could post bond.

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