Contact Us    
The Three Hundredth Sort of Dear Jon Letters

Proposing a standard barter system.

by Dear Jon
March 8, 2005

Bookmark and Share


Dear Jon,

Now that I have a newborn baby, is there any possible way to talk my wife into letting me buy a roadster?

Mid-life Man
Dear Mid-life,
Sure there is. You just need to convince her that you will get the kind that will take four slices at once.


Dear Jon,

Recently I went to the grocery store to buy ice cream. I found Rocky Road, Moose Tracks, Pecan Delight, Cookie Dough, etc. Whatever happened to plain old vanilla and chocolate?

I Scream for Ice Cream
Dear Scream,
Those are the boxes in the back covered with freezer burn.
Dear Reader,
Now that I have settled these burning questions, I want to launch into a critique of Condi Rice’s first 45 days as Secretary of State. Far be it from me to tell someone else how to do their job…well actually, as an advice columnist, that is exactly what I do, isn’t it? It just seems to me that we are sending mixed signals. In our war on terror, Syria gets away with murder and Iran gets away with nukes, and meanwhile we are trying to fix Iraq, which was never a terrorist threat until after we knocked it over.
It is time to set right the ship of state, so here are my five tips to Condi on how – wait a minute, my friend Jon Deer is trying to get my attention.
Excuse me.
Sorry about that. It appears that a question was asked about a roadster, and I had answered a question about a toaster. The problem was not aural, it was visual, as the two machines are approximately the same size.
Condi Rice will have to wait. Clearly there is a marriage here that needs saving.
Marriage is all about give and take. A woman (as 9 in 10 of all wives are women except in Vermont) might be willing for the family to acquire a high-priced sports car, but she has to know, “what is in it for me?”  The man has to figure out the approximate emotional value of what he wants, and offer something she wants of equal value in trade.
Here are some examples:
Meeting your old college crowd at a sports bar for 90 minutes, equals one entire afternoon folding clothes in the laundry-mat and then watching patiently, and without grousing, while she refolds every single item.
Watching basketball the entire month of March equals trips to carpet, wall-paper and used furniture stores every Saturday from April to July.
If you drag her to an action movie and think you have made up for it with overpriced popcorn and extortionist candy, you are wrong. You must still keep your promise to spend an entire evening at her elbow watching the Figure Skating Championships.
This is getting too complicated. Let me try to simplify it by offering one barter as a standard currency: Two beers in a single evening equals one trip to a stranger’s garage sale half a mile away, OR, vacuuming the house.
Now there are some things that women want, too. For example, if you are already even and she wants to drag you to a cousin’s baby shower, then you are entitled to one free Saturday morning tinkering around your garage with your portable stereo playing 60’s and 70’s classic rock.
The only catch, of course, is that you, silly man, will NEVER be even. You will always be behind. The round of golf, the week-end fishing … be careful with your privileges. If you over spend them you will exhaust your credit.
One roadster priced at, let’s say, 65 grand, means that you must be home by six, no excuses, must do all the dishes, and then must be completely present and attentive to your wife, asking only intelligent questions and by no means ever offering anything that remotely resembles a solution, for 150 minutes while she emotes her perplexity that one of her 42 best friends might be giving her the cold shoulder. Every single night. Until the car is paid off.
Four-slice toasters are a lot cheaper and might even earn you a cuddle for being so thoughtful.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
The Three Hundredth Sort of Dear Jon Letters
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article A Borderline Disorder
A prayer for our gun-crazed culture
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/16/18
Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18
Responding to Those Who Suffer
Lessons from Job when tragedy strikes
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/29/18
Grieving for a Friend
Mourning the death of Pastor Eugene Peterson
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/26/18
The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top