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Forty-Fourth Sort

Ten Hypothetical Situations and Their Solutions

by Dear Jon
April 26, 2001

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Forty-Fourth Sort_Dear Jon-Ten Hypothetical Situations and Their Solutions Dear Jon:
What do you do when the rest of the world has exhausted its creativity and does not write any "actual letters" to you?
Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan


Dear Biggest: As you know, when no one asks me for advice, I offer it anway.

In the absence of "real letters," Here are "10 Hypothetical Situations and Their Solutions."

1. You are a popular twice-weekly columnist, and your editor is sitting on one of your contributions because he doesn't like it. Solution: Let him know who's boss, and keep writing for your deadlines like your life depended on it, because he's the boss and it does.

2. You are a single woman in your late 20's, you have not had a boyfriend in two years, but you are seeking a long-term relationship and in your heart you know you would like to get married. Solution: Not to be found in bars where there are more motorcycles parked outside than there are customers inside.

3. You are a single young man, you have not had a girlfriend for a while, but you are thinking that long-term female companionship would be good, and you can imagine yourself marrying the right woman. Solution: Not to be found in "Chat" rooms, or anywhere else on the Internet.

4. You hate your job and want to work somewhere else. Solution: Work on your resume and live your life. No one else can move you off your butt.

5. You hate every job you have ever had. Solution: Trust Dear Jon to say the tough thing: It's time to shut up and grow up.

6. You, a mature woman, manage a firm that provides security for wealthy travellers. You encounter a thieving teenaged delinquent brat who was spoiled by her day-care provider into believing she can have anything she wants the way she wants just by bullying people with a sword. Solution: Take the sword out of her hand and give her a good spanking, before her adolescent angst ends up murdering the one man you have ever loved.

7. You, a mature man of philosophy and meditation, are learning from the one woman who is your best friend, that she is working with a messed-up teenager and messed-up day-care provider, both of whom have been dabbling in dark magic. You are torn between returning to your monastery, to live a life of peace and masculine solitude, or, helping your woman friend help these two loony chicks, thinking you might want to marry into the whole situation. Solution: Get out of there before you get killed, you idiot!

8. Your friends want you to: A) Get so drunk you become ill, B) Cover for them while they lie to your employer, C) Help them cheat on a test, D) Help them steal. E) Swim with them despite Danger and Warning signs, F) Join you in disparaging the reputation of someone else, G) Be a recommendation for you on a falsified resume. H) Provide a false alibi. I) Provide sexual favors you are not comfortable providing. J) Try some drugs "for free!" Solution: You call these "friends?" Did you have to dig under rocks to find "friends" like these? Dear Jon doesn't live your life, but take my advice. Find new friends. There are four good places to begin: 1) Houses of Worship. 2) Museums, galleries, live theater. 3) Libraries or bookstores 4) Craft clubs or night classes. (If you are a student in school, look for the kids who are showered and dressed modestly, achieve at least moderate grades, and volunteer with clubs like the Yearbook.) Watch for the following signs in new "friendship" candidates, and terminate all contact. 1) "Hey, you know where we can score some drugs?" 2) "To become one of us, we need you to meet us at the cemetary at 1:30 AM for your "initiation." 3) "Yo, I need to lay low for a while. Don't tell nobody I'm here." 4) Whaddya mean, we can't take your Dad's Jeep? Nothin' will happen! Who's gonna know? Whad are ya, a WUSS? 5) Could you tell the police that I was here last night, from 7 to 10? 6) Man, could you spot me a couple hundred? Again? Like last month? And the month before?

9. You are the President of the United States, and fighter-jets from a rival power are intimidating American aircraft over international waters. Solution: Blow them out of the sky.

10. You are the Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party. Surveillance planes from a rival power have the technology to spy on your coastal military installations, even from international waters. Solution: Demilitarize, free your dissidents, recognize democracy on Taiwan, liberate Tibet, and join the rest of the world. We would love you to be our partners.

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Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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