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Forty-Fifth Sort

Advice to readers regarding space travel.

by Dear Jon
April 30, 2001

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Forty-Fifth Sort_Dear Jon-Advice to readers regarding space travel. Dear Jon: Why has your mailbag dried up, and what advice would you give to your readers about this? Sincerely, Concerned.

Dear Concerned: I appreciate your concern. I attribute the drying up of the mailbag to Cognitively Overloaded Processing Elasticity (COPE). My readers have been stretched to their limit by my wisdom, and must COPE with their new learning and integrate it before they are able to absorb yet more insight from Dear Jon. New information is like food, it must be digested before there is room for more.

My advice is, start saving your money now for space ship rides. As this tourism industry expands, I doubt it will cost 20 million dollars per launch. Like everything else, this technology will be refined until it is widely available, in the sense that luxury cruises on ocean liners are "widely available."

God bless the Russians for pioneering this new frontier of capitalism. They were able to put it together because they don't have the intricate system of civil litigation that is turning Americans into a race of mamby-pamby wimps raised on plastic toys with blunt edges, and fingers that point to blame everyone else.

When I was a kid, Tonka Toys were made out of metal! They were die-cast replicas of real industrial vehicles and equipment. Now everything is made out of plastic, and kids are orphaned to Day Care providers who are forbidden by their Malpractice Insurance from hugging toddlers.

This has everything to do with NASA being all whining and nervous over the God-given right of a citizen of Earth to negotiate a deal with a sovereign government to be launched into space. Go Russia! Or would we rather they raise money by selling ICBMs to Iraq, Iran, North Korea and China?

So while you readers COPE with all the wisdom of Dear Jon you have received over the last 6 months, do yourself and your kids a favor. Go shopping for cool, neat, metal toys at antique stores. And when your kid cuts himself, DON'T SUE. Instead, and I know this is a novel concept, let this be a lesson in life about being careful and responsible. Maybe, if a generation is raised on a few cuts and bruises, with some hugs and affection from loving parents, MAYBE, we will catch up to the Russians in the Space Race. The fact is we have fallen behind the Russians in the capitalist effort to exploit intergalactic space, because we are too busy suing each other and making sure that nothing is our own fault.

I'm not talking about giant satellite billboards, which would be obnoxious. I'm talking about trips and tours. Face it, America had the know-how, but lacked the will, to develop Armstrong City on the moon. We're so worried about legal protections, we have quenched our pioneering spirit, which is the foundation of capitalist innovation. I mean, we could have had a Starbucks up there by now. Good grief! Think about it! "Starbucks" on the MOON! Get it?

Make a pledge, today, that you will not buy your child another toy that is made of plastic or is a digital image on a monitor, and if you really have to orphan out your kid for 10 hours a day, sign the waiver allowing the Day Care to hug and to discipline. It is your patriotic duty to buy toys made out of wood or metal and to teach imagination and responsibility, to bring us even with the Russians. God bless the USA!

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