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Forty-Ninth Sort

Griping about sports and technical difficulties.

by Dear Jon
May 14, 2001

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Forty-Ninth Sort_Dear Jon-Griping about sports and technical difficulties. EDITOR'S NOTE: This column was published later than usual due to technical difficulties at Partial Observer Headquarters. We regret any inconvenience to faithful Dear Jon readers.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon

What kind of "Technical Difficulties" did you have with Monday's column? Can this sort of thing happen again? Is "the man" trying to shut you down? Is it time for protests and looting?

Sincerely, Concerned


Dear Concerned,

Any time is a good time for protests and looting. I tend to believe any conspiracy theory to be had, so yes, I think our Webmaster is trying to sabatoge my wild popularity so that he can try to regain creative control of the Partial Observer. I think there is lingering resentment because I advocated for the poet Jon Deer.

[The Webmaster interjects: Alas, these things happen. O the humanity! By the way, the correct spelling is "sabotage."]

If you choose to protest and loot, of course, you will not be able to get at the Webmaster, who only exists as an impersonal concept somewhere in Cyberspace. So you will have to target innocent entrepreneurs who have nothing whatsoever to do with your anger. These business owners should preferably be immigrants trying to carve out the dream of liberty and wealth in the United States, and located preferably in minority communities that need the economic base. The lessons learned in Seattle and Montreal, is that the police tend to want to protect the pristine image of their upscale downtown shopping districts. Thus, struggling economic communities with immigrant shop-owners are the places to turn for YOUR protest and looting needs!


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

How can you possibly say hockey and basketball seasons are too long when baseball season is twice as long? And at least hockey and basketball games end after a certain amount of time, where a baseball game could last 'til the end of time! Just what do you have against hockey and basketball anyway??

Sincerely, A Hockey Fan


Dear Hockey,

Wow. A baseball game that lasts until the end of time. Is that what Heaven will be? Then that would make Cricket, like, Hell, wouldn't it?

Speaking of games that could last until the end of time, what's the deal with volleyball? You realize that it is not enough to win. You have to win by a certain margin! Imagine if a football game had to be won by at least a touchdown? Or every basketball game by 3 points? Why does that make any sense?

At least volleyball is fun to play, when it is played with a soft-cover ball at a family reunion with co-ed teams that allows any kid under eleven to catch the ball and throw it back over. The worst game to play is volleyball when it is played with a tight leather ball at an office picnic when the department manager used to play for a college club and remembers the scores of the volleyball games at the office picnics for the last 3 years and does not see any point in playing if you do not play to win, with the exception of any game that is played on ice.

I do think it is a shame that in baseball you can lose 60 games in a season and still be considered a dominant power-house. It is also a shame that you can win 30 games in a season and be considered so horrible you enter the record books for futility. But there is something beautiful about 40 year-old millionaires standing in grass fields chewing gum most of the day, being considered productive by a fawning media, and being honored if they succeed in hitting a ball 1 time out of every 3. Tell your boss that you want to spend 3 hours of your day standing in the grass chewing gum, and that you feel that being productive and successful in 1 out of 3 projects is enough to warrant being paid a million dollars a year. See what your boss says. Of course it is ridiculous, but what better way to symbolize the aspirations of the American leisure class?

Basketball is sweaty. They have guys with towels who wipe up the floor everytime a guy falls. Who would want that job? That's just rude. I always thought it would be cool to run out and pick up the kicker's T after kick-offs in football games. That's a whole lot more fun than kneeling to wipe up somebody's sweat-stain from the wood floor so that others don't slip in the sweat and fall down and smear their sweat all over the floor until the whole game is played in a rancid ankle-deep pool. Gross.

I was into basketball when Michael Jordan played. He got sweaty too. But I like to watch history happen. I expect that once Tiger Woods retires, in, say, 40 years or so, I will have mean things to say about golf. At least golf isn't so sweaty.

And hockey, of course, is played on ice. Hockey only mattered when Gretzky was an Oiler. I chose to hate hockey when the Minnesota North Stars moved to Dallas. Now there is a hockey team in Phoenix, Arizona. That's just stupid. Did I answer your question?

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