Contact Us    
Forty-Ninth Sort

Griping about sports and technical difficulties.

by Dear Jon
May 14, 2001

Bookmark and Share

Forty-Ninth Sort_Dear Jon-Griping about sports and technical difficulties. EDITOR'S NOTE: This column was published later than usual due to technical difficulties at Partial Observer Headquarters. We regret any inconvenience to faithful Dear Jon readers.


Dear Jon

What kind of "Technical Difficulties" did you have with Monday's column? Can this sort of thing happen again? Is "the man" trying to shut you down? Is it time for protests and looting?

Sincerely, Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Any time is a good time for protests and looting. I tend to believe any conspiracy theory to be had, so yes, I think our Webmaster is trying to sabatoge my wild popularity so that he can try to regain creative control of the Partial Observer. I think there is lingering resentment because I advocated for the poet Jon Deer.

[The Webmaster interjects: Alas, these things happen. O the humanity! By the way, the correct spelling is "sabotage."]

If you choose to protest and loot, of course, you will not be able to get at the Webmaster, who only exists as an impersonal concept somewhere in Cyberspace. So you will have to target innocent entrepreneurs who have nothing whatsoever to do with your anger. These business owners should preferably be immigrants trying to carve out the dream of liberty and wealth in the United States, and located preferably in minority communities that need the economic base. The lessons learned in Seattle and Montreal, is that the police tend to want to protect the pristine image of their upscale downtown shopping districts. Thus, struggling economic communities with immigrant shop-owners are the places to turn for YOUR protest and looting needs!


Dear Jon,

How can you possibly say hockey and basketball seasons are too long when baseball season is twice as long? And at least hockey and basketball games end after a certain amount of time, where a baseball game could last 'til the end of time! Just what do you have against hockey and basketball anyway??

Sincerely, A Hockey Fan

Dear Hockey,

Wow. A baseball game that lasts until the end of time. Is that what Heaven will be? Then that would make Cricket, like, Hell, wouldn't it?

Speaking of games that could last until the end of time, what's the deal with volleyball? You realize that it is not enough to win. You have to win by a certain margin! Imagine if a football game had to be won by at least a touchdown? Or every basketball game by 3 points? Why does that make any sense?

At least volleyball is fun to play, when it is played with a soft-cover ball at a family reunion with co-ed teams that allows any kid under eleven to catch the ball and throw it back over. The worst game to play is volleyball when it is played with a tight leather ball at an office picnic when the department manager used to play for a college club and remembers the scores of the volleyball games at the office picnics for the last 3 years and does not see any point in playing if you do not play to win, with the exception of any game that is played on ice.

I do think it is a shame that in baseball you can lose 60 games in a season and still be considered a dominant power-house. It is also a shame that you can win 30 games in a season and be considered so horrible you enter the record books for futility. But there is something beautiful about 40 year-old millionaires standing in grass fields chewing gum most of the day, being considered productive by a fawning media, and being honored if they succeed in hitting a ball 1 time out of every 3. Tell your boss that you want to spend 3 hours of your day standing in the grass chewing gum, and that you feel that being productive and successful in 1 out of 3 projects is enough to warrant being paid a million dollars a year. See what your boss says. Of course it is ridiculous, but what better way to symbolize the aspirations of the American leisure class?

Basketball is sweaty. They have guys with towels who wipe up the floor everytime a guy falls. Who would want that job? That's just rude. I always thought it would be cool to run out and pick up the kicker's T after kick-offs in football games. That's a whole lot more fun than kneeling to wipe up somebody's sweat-stain from the wood floor so that others don't slip in the sweat and fall down and smear their sweat all over the floor until the whole game is played in a rancid ankle-deep pool. Gross.

I was into basketball when Michael Jordan played. He got sweaty too. But I like to watch history happen. I expect that once Tiger Woods retires, in, say, 40 years or so, I will have mean things to say about golf. At least golf isn't so sweaty.

And hockey, of course, is played on ice. Hockey only mattered when Gretzky was an Oiler. I chose to hate hockey when the Minnesota North Stars moved to Dallas. Now there is a hockey team in Phoenix, Arizona. That's just stupid. Did I answer your question?

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Forty-Ninth Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18
So Who are We to Judge?
A timely question
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/4/18
Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright
An amazing comeback for a disgraced golfer
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/28/18
Bert and Ernie are Not Gay!
Attempting to make sense of a senseless claim
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/21/18
A Prayer for Hurricane Victims
Asking God to calm the storm
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/14/18
Are We Ready for Some Football?
A rhetorical question as the NFL season kicks off
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 9/7/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top