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Fiftieth Sort

Dear Jon on Bert and Ernie

by Dear Jon
May 17, 2001

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Fiftieth Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon on Bert and Ernie ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What is up with Bert and Ernie anyway?

Sincerely,
Had to ask


Dear Had,

One is a cab driver, the other is a cop, in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."

They are also two muppets on "Sesame Street." Bert was voiced by Frank Oz, the same voice for Grover and, in different venues, Miss Piggy. Ernie was voiced by the late Jim Henson, who had brought Kermit the Frog to life.

Here is the deal with Bert and Ernie. They are adult male apartment mates who share a bedroom in the brick flat on Sesame Street. They are not related to each other. Bert has a twin brother, "Bart," who is not Ernie's brother. Bert also has a nephew who is not Ernie's nephew. Bert and Ernie share a bedroom equipped with twin beds with matching headboards: one is carved with a giant B and one with a giant E.

The strange goings-on in this all male apartment include lurking monsters, the tap-dancing "Boogie Woogie Sheep" who help Ernie go to sleep, and adult male sleep-over guests. The most notable of these sleep-over guests is the reclusive and eccentric bachelor Count, an immigrant of uncertain Eastern European origins who, among other fetishes, sleeps in a coffin, keeps bats as pets, and "likes to count things, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha."

I don't think there can be any doubt about the true nature of the relationship between Ernie and Bert. Remember, even Mr. and Mrs. Brady started out in twin beds! Clearly the creators of the "Children's Television Workshop" had an agenda in co-conspiracy with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which was, to promote alternative fetish lifestyles and expose American children to corrupting foreign influences under the guise of "educational television."

Obviously, it is up to you, readers, to call attention to this travesty by boycotting Sesame Street. Besides, Sesame Street "jumped the shark" when all the grown-ups discovered Mr. Snuffleupagus. Not that I am bitter about that. But Maria and David were supposed to pair off, not Maria and Louise! David was cool! No one remembers when the show was REALLY good, when Gordon had hair and Maria was David's girl. But the fact is, when Mr. Hooper died, nothing, nothing, was ever the same again. The introduction of Telly, and Elmo, and Mrs. Oscar the Grouch(?), dragged the show down from urban lessons on childhood survival, to baby-talking sentimentalism.

But this column is NOT my vendetta against Sesame Street over my disappointments in its creative development. I am simply exposing Bert and Ernie for what they are. I am sure anyone as reasonable as Dear Jon can see this clearly once they put together all the facts.

PS. If you don't know what "jump the shark" refers to, you are not cool. You can become cool by doing a search on the internet with those key words, and find out.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon:

What about Penguin owner Mario Lemiux's comeback, after being retired three seasons? They're in the conference finals! That's history for
you.

-Nimrod


Dear Nimrod:

I know from various headlines that you are referring to events in hockey. I thought I had made it plain in my longer explanation to Hockey Fan, but it is obvious you may have played too much hockey yourself to have gotten it. SPORTS PLAYED ON ICE ARE STUPID. They are stupid because you sweat and pant as you get cold, which is not healthy, and there is no escape from the cold. Ice sports are especially stupid when professional leagues relocate teams from Canada to Dallas and Phoenix and Los Angeles. Give me a break! No matter in what city they are played, ice sports are the only thing worse than playing pick-up volleyball with a tight leather ball and a guy who wants to play to win.

Of course, I was not including Water Polo or Roller Derby in that proviso. Roller Derby is not a sport, so that discounts it. Water Polo does not even register on my radar screen of sports to avoid.

By the way, do you remember that "Nimrod" was the code-name from a deeply imbedded spy who helped cover for the Stalag 13 gang in "Hogan's Heroes?"

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