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Fifty-First Sort

The dangers of ice skating.

by Dear Jon
May 21, 2001

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Fifty-First Sort_Dear Jon-The dangers of ice skating. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Are you just bitter towards hockey because some girl you were in love with ran off with the captain of the hockey team?

Wondering


Dear Wondering,

The girls I fell in love with weren't stupid enough to date hockey players. Delinquent metal-heads with drug and anger management problems, yes, but not hockey players.

Since this is an advice column, I had better give someone some advice, so it might as well be you.

Ice is not safe, because it is slippery. In our ingenuity as human beings, we have figured out that if we attach meat cleavers to the bottom of our boots and fall on our butts several times while we learn to balance on razor-thin edges, we can proceed to cross great lengths of ice. This is only effective, of course, if the ice is frozen, which means the air must be a particularly frigid temperature.

The risk of ice breaking is greater the deeper the pool of water. So the ice must be thick, which means the air must be very cold. Also, people should be widely spaced so that, in the event that they lose their balance, their meat-cleavered feet are not flailing into the bodies of others.

But to reduce the risk of the ice giving way, someone came up with the great idea of pouring water over an enclosed cement lot, and freezing it. Of course, this meant that the people with meat cleavers on their feet had no place or purpose in traversing this ice, which meant they had to go in circles. Thus was born the idea that "skating" was "fun."

Then someone said, "Let's arm these skaters in this enclosed space, with sticks, and have them slap at a frozen cow patty. Let's put hooks on these sticks, and furthermore, encourage them to knock each other over, meat cleavers flailing. This will combine all the worst scenarios of health management: rapid breathing of cold air, perspiration in sub-freezing temperatures, bludgeoning, falling on hard surfaces, and blades flying randomly through the air."

So my advice is, stay off the ice, and stay away from any sport that views missing teeth as a badge of honor.

Good grief. It's May, and we're talking about hockey! That's sad. I told you the season was too long.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

In your tirade against "Sesame Street," I believe you meant to say Maria paired off with Luis, not "Louise." Even PBS hasn't gotten THAT liberal!


Dear Blank,

Wow. Unlike you, I have never seen that guy's name in print. You have time to look up character scripts for Sesame Street to see how names are spelled, but you don't have time to sign your letter to Dear Jon? I envy you. Tell you what, I will go on having a life, and you can continue ordering transcripts to television shows. And I even corrected your letter, gratis. ("off" has two "f"s.)

If you're sure PBS hasn't gotten THAT liberal, that makes one of us.

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