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Fifty-Third Sort

Car talk.

by Dear Jon
May 28, 2001

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Fifty-Third Sort_Dear Jon-Car talk. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I'm thinking of buying a new car, but I want one that really draws in the babes. Which car really draws in the babes and what's the best color for major babe action?

Car Guy


Dear Car Guy,

You have come to the right guy for advice about cars. I know how to close a deal on the first car I look at, no haggling. This strategy catches many dealers off guard, but when they recognize my confidence they are most accomodating.

The main thing about cars for babes, as every guy knows, are the back seats. The main issue is, will you be able to buckle in the baby's car seat? Will you be able to move remove the baby easily, with plenty of headroom and clearance? This will become even more important as government expands the law to include children into Kindergarten, which is beyond toddler and well past the "babe" stage. With these conditions, mini-vans are probably the best "babe" cars. Many deluxe models include entertainment systems in their options, with video-players, which is strategic when you are forced to strap 5 year-olds into car seats. You will want to check the government's roll-over rating before you buy, however.

In my day, we used to pack toddlers into station wagons like sardines. Forget about seatbelts. Who wore those aside from the Brady Bunch? If you weren't safe in the arms of your big sister, what difference would a car seat make?

The great thing about having cars equipped for babes, is that it shows women that you are a kind, sensitive person who loves children. I don't know how you are doing in the woman category, but take it from Dear Jon, we guys can use all the help we can get.

Of course, mini-vans with car seats will only attract certain women, specifically, 37 year-old divorced mothers of two, who see in you the possible father of a third and the man who will finally prove not to be a complete jerk. Other women, young women who think life is about fun, whose platform heals have not yet given them bunyons, and who do not realize that the men willing to accomodate their lust for fun tend more to fall in the "jerk" category, are not typically drawn to mini-vans. They are more drawn to red sports cars that pick up from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds, with speakers that rattle apartment windows and set off the alarms of parked cars, provided there is trunk space for the case of Tequiza®.

In a few months, of course, these young women discover that, because men are jerks, their drunken, immodest behavior generally leads to consequences. Specifically, the consequence of a dead-beat father refusing to install a car-seat in the back of his Mustang®. The jerk.

The moral of this story is, a mid-sized sedan. You know that Toyota® commercial where the funny looking guy with the big round nose is catching the eye of all these glamorous suburban women because he is driving a mid-sized sedan? Pay attention to that. The women who are smart enough to want men so boring and predictable that they drive mid-sized sedans, are generally the women you want to make a family with anyway.

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