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Ten Secrets Men Don't Want Women to Know

by Dear Jon
May 31, 2001

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54th Sort_Dear Jon-Ten Secrets Men Don't Want Women to Know Dear Readers: Since the mailbag has dried up, I'm back to drawing on my own life experience and partial observation to produce something nutty and humorous for my devoted disciples--I mean, uhm, fans. So here goes nothing, literally.

TEN SECRETS MEN DON'T WANT WOMEN TO KNOW:

10. It has been officially, statistically reported that between 92% and 96% of all men of all religions and persuasions and ages, do "that," fairly frequently.

9. Men do not think of women as objects less than human in dignity and purpose. Instead, men think of women as goddesses with magic powers that enable them to do the following: Summon tears at a moment's notice, inspire primal sexual fires through appearance and flirtation, cruelly extinguish those fires with a single sarcastic word or a glance of frigid disinterest, create alternating illusions of superhuman endurance and docile fragility, and most mysterious of all, concentrate on 17 different tasks at the same moment.

8. Tormented by women's charm and mystery, between 92% and 96% of all men do "that."

7. Men secretly want women to worship them as much as they worship women. Men are so frequently irked and sullen because they do not feel admired. Men are frustrated because they know that they are not mysterious, deep, or able to multi-task, and therefore, are not worthy of worship. However, it really, really bugs them to be humiliated or disputed in public or in front of friends. Men are not sullen and quiet because they don't care. They are sullen and quiet because they are hurting.

This is no secret. Men are sullen and quiet a lot, and they do not like to talk about what is hurting them. The secret is: Most of the time he is sullen and quiet because of his job, not because of the woman he loves. Sometimes he is sullen and quiet because the woman he loves has made him feel worthless or inadequate.

Men escape the affliction of their job by coming home, where they hope to be given the space to recover from the day's frustrations and put-downs. Men escape the affliction of the woman they love by going to work, where they hope to forget all about the confusing goddess magic.

6. Grown men are motivated to do stupid things, like play softball or hike desert canyons, in the mistaken belief that these stunts of physical prowess will impress women enough to worship them.

5. Men's secret favorite pop-song from the last twenty years, is "Only a Hero" by Madonna.

4. Men's second secret favorite pop-song from the last twenty years, is "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

3. Men have no respect for Madonna, who is one of "those" and has therefore lost goddess stature. But men take what they can get.

2. The secret to a man's happiness: When he has opened the pickle jar, whisper into his ears, "You're my hero."

1. Many men feel guilty about "that." Please don't punish them about "that." That would be as logical as a woman being punished when she cries for no reason. Maybe you can think of "that" as simply guys crying in "that" way. There might be some connection, in ways that guys won't want to talk about and wouldn't know how if pressured, anyway.

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