Contact Us    
54th Sort

Ten Secrets Men Don't Want Women to Know

by Dear Jon
May 31, 2001

Bookmark and Share

54th Sort_Dear Jon-Ten Secrets Men Don't Want Women to Know Dear Readers: Since the mailbag has dried up, I'm back to drawing on my own life experience and partial observation to produce something nutty and humorous for my devoted disciples--I mean, uhm, fans. So here goes nothing, literally.


10. It has been officially, statistically reported that between 92% and 96% of all men of all religions and persuasions and ages, do "that," fairly frequently.

9. Men do not think of women as objects less than human in dignity and purpose. Instead, men think of women as goddesses with magic powers that enable them to do the following: Summon tears at a moment's notice, inspire primal sexual fires through appearance and flirtation, cruelly extinguish those fires with a single sarcastic word or a glance of frigid disinterest, create alternating illusions of superhuman endurance and docile fragility, and most mysterious of all, concentrate on 17 different tasks at the same moment.

8. Tormented by women's charm and mystery, between 92% and 96% of all men do "that."

7. Men secretly want women to worship them as much as they worship women. Men are so frequently irked and sullen because they do not feel admired. Men are frustrated because they know that they are not mysterious, deep, or able to multi-task, and therefore, are not worthy of worship. However, it really, really bugs them to be humiliated or disputed in public or in front of friends. Men are not sullen and quiet because they don't care. They are sullen and quiet because they are hurting.

This is no secret. Men are sullen and quiet a lot, and they do not like to talk about what is hurting them. The secret is: Most of the time he is sullen and quiet because of his job, not because of the woman he loves. Sometimes he is sullen and quiet because the woman he loves has made him feel worthless or inadequate.

Men escape the affliction of their job by coming home, where they hope to be given the space to recover from the day's frustrations and put-downs. Men escape the affliction of the woman they love by going to work, where they hope to forget all about the confusing goddess magic.

6. Grown men are motivated to do stupid things, like play softball or hike desert canyons, in the mistaken belief that these stunts of physical prowess will impress women enough to worship them.

5. Men's secret favorite pop-song from the last twenty years, is "Only a Hero" by Madonna.

4. Men's second secret favorite pop-song from the last twenty years, is "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

3. Men have no respect for Madonna, who is one of "those" and has therefore lost goddess stature. But men take what they can get.

2. The secret to a man's happiness: When he has opened the pickle jar, whisper into his ears, "You're my hero."

1. Many men feel guilty about "that." Please don't punish them about "that." That would be as logical as a woman being punished when she cries for no reason. Maybe you can think of "that" as simply guys crying in "that" way. There might be some connection, in ways that guys won't want to talk about and wouldn't know how if pressured, anyway.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
54th Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18
Responding to Those Who Suffer
Lessons from Job when tragedy strikes
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/29/18
Grieving for a Friend
Mourning the death of Pastor Eugene Peterson
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/26/18
The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18
So Who are We to Judge?
A timely question
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/4/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top