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10 Secrets Women Don't Want Men to Know

by Dear Jon
June 4, 2001

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55th Sort_Dear Jon-10 Secrets Women Don't Want Men to Know ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I disagree with #6 of your top ten things men don't want women to know. If you have ever watched women watch sports, they can become quite intrigued or aroused by a man's athetic abilities.

I also know that from my own experience it may have been a contributing factor for my relationship with my soon to be wife. We knew each other for nine years and went out on what could be called a date only once. Then, this past summer she showed up to cheer on our church's softball team. She became our biggest fan, attending every week. Now, I don't want to brag, but I was one of our best batters. Her seeing my performance on the athletic field may have been part of the opening necessary for our relationship to begin.

Sincerely,
The No-longer Single Slugger


Dear Slugger,

I could try to break it to you gently, but I will have to be blunt: Your bride was not out watching softball to be impressed, she was out because that was where the boys were, even though she secretly thought the whole thing was silly. In order to inform you more completely, I will have to share with you, Slugger, the 10 Secrets Women Don't Want Men to Know.

10. Women who do not hate sports, think that sports are silly.

9. Women are also deathly afraid of sports. She is afraid, first of all, that the winner will demand some kind of reward from them. Yet all women, everywhere, find it much sexier when a man loads the dishwasher than when he scores a touchdown. She is afraid, second of all, that the loser, unable to have achieved physical domination over the opponent, will take it out on her. She is afraid, most of all, that in the silliness, she will be found cheering at the wrong time or for the wrong thing.

8. Even women who are sports fans are not fans for the same reason that men are fans. Men love sports because they want to dominate, conquer, and despoil the foe. If they cannot do so in battle, they will do so in a game. If they cannot play the game, they live the experience vicariously. Women think this is silly. Women are fans of sports because women are task-oriented perfectionists. A sport provides the opportunity for a specific task to be executed well. Women are not impressed by dominating conquerors, but by those who perform tasks in the appropriate manner.

This is why women are just as likely to be swept off their feet by moody, sullen musicians who perform the tasks of music well, as they are by boisterous, swaggering athletes who perform athletic feats well. In any case, whether the concert is triumphant or the game ends in victory, the woman will find the man much sexier if he performs well the task of taking a shower.

7. This is really not a secret. Whether musicians, athletes, programmers, writers, construction workers, plumbers, or whatever, Men are not objects of desire. Men are projects to be grown up and shaped according to the woman's superior tastes and manners. It is also not a secret that many men are jerks, sponging off the endurance of the woman. It is assumed that these men hold some kind of romantic charm which, when he woos the woman seductively, causes the woman to melt in his arms. But actually, men are not objects of desire.

The secret truth, unknown to many women themselves, is that women stay with jerks because they fear failure: specifically, they do not want to fail to execute the task of shaping the jerk into a respectable human being. Women who stay with jerks are among the stubbornest people on the planet, because they secretly desire their own vindication through the man's transformation.

6. If a woman seems stand-offish and silent, it could be for any number of mysterious reasons. She will let you think the reason is that you have done something jerk-like or dumb, in order to make you doubt yourself and make more effort to please her. However, the reason really might be that she has gas and is concentrating on not farting. (Men: Do not ever, EVER, suggest that this is the case!)

5. Women do not like men to discover that sometimes the bra and the panties don't match, until after the honeymoon is over.

4. It is no secret that men want women to have the same appetite for sex as men do. Therefore, men often project that appetite into the motivations that women have for enjoying certain activities. However, the appeal of romantic novels is not in the description of sexual activity, but in the escapist fantasy that, first, either a man who needs no transformation will enter a woman's life, or, second, that a passionate jerk will be transformed into a passionate human being in just a couple hundred pages. This fantasy is also displayed on screen, in such "date" or "girl" movies as "You've Got Mail."

3. Men are indifferent to each other and have a love-hate relationship with women. Women are indifferent to men and have a love-hate relationship with each other. When women dress up to go out, it is not to impress the man; it is to impress other women so as to escape sarcastic remarks. Women clean house not because they need order in their life, but in the event that girlfriends or, worse, strangers, drop in unannounced. IF the United States NEVER has a woman for President, it will be because no woman will vote for her. By illustration; Janet Reno would garner more votes than either Hilary Clinton or Tipper Gore. In the 2000 campaign, Elizabeth Dole wasn't ignored by male chauvinists, she was ignored by women. I didn't make these rules. I'm just a guy trying to figure them out.

2. What a woman really wants, is a man in her life with whom it is safe for her, at home, to be a little girl.

1. When any guy identifies what a girl really wants, this violates the RULE, so she changes what she wants, without telling him.

Coming on Thursday: Will "Toledo Todd" find love in the office?

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